Day Two – the Why

I thought I would drop you a line before I head to the gym for my Pilates Reformer class, with my beloved trainer Nazi, Donna.

Why am I angry?  Aren’t fat people supposed to be jolly? (I am jolly about many things–actually I laugh at almost everything–but NOT this.)  Well, pull up a chair and sit a spell while I share with you my anger.  Why do I veritably ooze with anger?  Why do I want to blab and expose myself so completely before whom ever might choose to read my thoughts and feelings?  Am I an attention junky?  Do I want fame? (fat chance–ha–pun intended).  I just reexamined myself, and no, those are not the reasons I am doing this.

The Truth is … I am at the end of my rope, the waters of my internal encouragement have run dry, dust has begun to choke off my wind, and night has fallen on my hopes with a vengeance.  I cannot count on my fingers or my toes, for that matter, the number of times I have gained and lost the same thirty pounds.  Thirty pounds wouldn’t be so huge, except that I weigh 250 pounds.  I am writing this to hold myself accountable to myself.  I must not give up.  I must jumpstart my failing internal Pollyanna drive to believe I can do all things–I must use any means possible.

So … with the last dregs of my strength, I claw at the walls of the well of obesity that I have fallen into, with dying determination to defeat this foe that seeks to take my life from me against my will.  To say that I am angry is probably an understatement. I am so mad that I am in this place yet again, that I could chew steel and spit nails.  I want to scream a guttural animal cry–except there’s this little thing–I don’t want to get taken away by the men in the white suits–yes, it would be THAT loud.

I realize you do not know me.  You have no idea the battle I have waged against this foe, we call obesity.  There is no way for you to know how hard I have worked to bring my body into submission, yet to be betrayed by a body that will not respond.  I can tell you the number of hours that I workout, and you would probably not believe me.  I could show you the log of the food that I take in, and you would probably believe that I lied.  I can’t say that I would blame you either.  I am not sure if I was in your shoes that I would believe me, yet every word that I am going to write is true, not embellished, or exaggerated.

Why would I be so honest?  Many people don’t tell the truth to the people who know and love them; why would I speak the truth to complete strangers?  I want answers! Plain and simple — I Want answers.  Maybe, by logging my struggles, I will discover what has kept me back from success.  There’s another thing: Obesity hurts.  I wasn’t always large, and the difference between the way people responded to me then and now is HUGE.  I am sure that I am not alone in this experinece.  There must be others like me out in the great wide world that have the same struggles, and there is a part of me that hopes to both find fellow sufferers, and let those “others” know they are not alone.  For us each to gain hope in numbers, and for us each to KNOW that we are not the ONLY person out here who fights the battle of obesity and loses no matter how well we follow the rules.

(Insert your favorite profanity) If I am going to have to be FAT — I would at least would like to ENJOY EATING!  Dang-it-all!  If you are going to weigh 250 lbs., you should get to eat at least SOME of the things you like and NOT just get to eat  yucky un-fun diet foods, and workout untold hours to JUST TO MAINTAIN the fabulous figure you get with a 250 pound body — I am just sayin’.  I don’t abuse myself just so I can have this LARGE body.  Having said that, we find ourselves back where I started this chronicle of my latest attempt to defeat my fat foe, I have to fight this battle no matter the challenge.  Even if this means I must eat yucky food, workout long hours, or what ever the Docs cook up for me to try.  …So…here we go…

Blessings to all…S

17 thoughts on “Day Two – the Why

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  5. I understand where you’re coming from with that last paragraph. BOTH of my parents are diabetic and my dad shares the same sentiments. He often tells me, “If I’m going to die from diabetes why not enjoy life and eat what I want?” I see the logic, I do.

    If I may offer this bit of encouragement: Think of this journey (the sleep study, the tests, the doctor appointments, the working out, and the healthy nutrition) not as means to lose weight or look good. Think of it this way: Your body is a magnificent, highly efficient, machine. For now the puzzle pieces are still getting sorted out. But once you finally get those answers – oh, imagine all the things your body will be able to do! You could climb mountains LITERALLY. Your body could do powerful, powerful things.

    I’m sorry that people treat you differently based on your weight. It’s a shame that humans with a higher thought capacity would stoop to that level. Just keep doing your thing. I’m looking forward to watching you progress!

    • You are very sweet Jessica. I really appreciate your taking the time to read my blog and offer words of encouragement and advice. The lovely words of encouragement make me smile. Smile more than I had any idea they would–they motivate me to press forward more than I could have ever imagined. Thanks again! =D

  6. I am very new at Blogging. Some of you have subscribed–as it turns out just to this particular page. I in my ignorance didn’t realize that I needed to give you a link to subscribe to the blog. So if you do want updated posts to the blog as a whole and NOT just to this thread, please click on the sign up tab on the left of the blog. Thanks again for your interest.

  7. I have never know you any way except how you appear now. I care about you anyway. Our Lord does not look on the outward things… He looks at the heart. I try to do that too. I understand that not everyone does. Thought for the day: You have NO control over other peoples perception.

    • Very True. Thanks for the kind words.
      You are so right Loretta — you can’t control people — good thought for the day! =)
      I like me, even the fat me.
      I don’t like the mean words people have spoken to me–like what’s your handicap, your big lard ass? I have an autistic son is why I was using the Handicap parking — long story that you know. There are a lot of things like this that happen and they do tend to take the wind out of your sails. I don’t have a fat mentality. I forget how LARGE I actually am, UNTIL I see a photo then I’m going — NO — is this true?! Thanks for loving me the way I am and believing in me. I realize more and more how truly blessed I am with such wonderful friends.

  8. I am with you on this journey girl !! You CAN do this and I CAN do it with you !! Please know you are loved and cherished regardless of what the scale says !! I, myself, know that is little comfort when we struggle with what we feel and how we look, but just know you are loved and cherished !!

    ❤ ya !!

  9. Go Mom Go!!! I know you are working very hard. So don’t give up. I know how hard you work with very little progress. Don’t get discouraged God blesses the diligent. Love you. Keep up the hard work.

      • Yes, I understand I was once a size 5 and 118lbs not too long ago. I am now a size 16 and 180 lbs. How did this happen I say…..age does have something to do with it. seems in looking at those who manage the weight game…I know 3 very well, they are strict vegetarians…all the time….no meat, no butter, no flour, they are happy healthy people. I have a cousin who does this and she says she is 75 going on 20 with lots of energy………………….I will stand with you in the hopes of you finding your answer in 2011! You go girl! Strength in Woman Power with the help of God.

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