Today, Day 7 of my Angry Fat chronicle, I was going to reward myself with a day off to just lay around and read. It wasn’t one of the Angry days, you know, kinda peaceful … or that is what I thought. I love reading, and I don’t get to do it often. ….so….I snuggled up with a new/old book from one of my favorite authors, and settled in for a few hours of blissful reading. I had decided that mid-morning I was going to take a break to call Dr. Ard, and set up my appointment with him. I had been snuggled up for only a short while when …..at 8:05 AM. …the phone rings. I had forgotten to turn my phone off …dang it all! Who could it be? Dr. Ard called ME! I was completely caught off guard. I don’t know about you, but it is not often when the Dr. himself calls you …so….I am praying Dr. Ard (if you are reading this) that I didn’t sound completely idiotic (smiling sheepishly). He was gracious, and just as pleasant on the phone as he was in his email. He took a few minutes to fill me in on how things were going to work, and indicated that I should expect a call from a sweet lady to set things up [he didn’t say she was sweet–but she was–so, I added that]. I must tell you, I had no idea how much was about to happen to me.
A few hours later, and a few pages under my belt, the phone rang again, this time it was his assistant (I hope I have this right). She gave me the 411 on what I needed to do. I, being the efficient person that I am, logged this in immediately, because, if I didn’t, I would forget! It would be one of those Freudian slips….fear would reach out and grab me, and I would “conveniently” forget the appointments, then I wouldn’t be able to go (smiling). After you see what I am in for you will understand why I might want to forget. This is what my next few weeks will look like: Dec. 29th–blood-work drawn; Dec. 30th–resting metabolism done (I think this means more blood work); January 5th–meeting with the Dr. Ard, a behaviorist, and a dietician; and last, but not least, January 6th–the Sleep Study. My head is spinning. I do not know how quickly we will decide which program to follow…..so I am filled with questions ….working hard over here not to stress about this….and remember how blessed I am to be going through this with such a good Doctor (smiling nervously).
I can tell YOU right Now, I am very glad I am going to visit one of my “bestest” buddies from childhood on the 9th of January, for her birthday — I am going to need some fun Painting Time! I’m just sayin.’
….GOSH! WHEW! Take a deep breath and step back and Be Happy! That is what I am telling myself right now. I am happy about all this, I am excited about all this, but I am also VERY NERVOUS about all this. You want this time to be the charm. You want this Doctor to be different than so many others who have gone before.
It is natural for people and Doctors to assume if you are fat you did something to deserve it. I seem to run into those people, close minded people, those fantastic people who make you feel like dirt, with sayings like, “just push away from the table more often and you’ll be fixed right up.” I love the one where the Doctor is deciding to think outside the box when he asks, “Is it possible that you are sleep eating in the middle of the night?” Ok, I guess it is possible that I managed to do that, and no one was ever aware of it. I thought my husband was going to hit him. I have to be honest here–if I woke up in the middle of the night hungry, I would be more likely to punch Mikey (my hubby) in the side and beg him to go get food for me. My feet Hurt–BAD–the first time I step on them after not walking on them for any length-of-time–just sayin.’ Another great comment, “If we took you and put you in a hospital, away from the real world temptations, you would lose weight.” That sounds so great–but no body lives in a bubble–we live in the real world. Duh! The other all time favorite is, “It is really simple Shonnie, if you take in fewer calories than you put out, you will loose weight.” Ok, on our long bike rides we burn mega calories, I can’t eat enough to fill the gap in what I burned. My hubby will pig out for days after a ride, and still, he virtually disappears before my eyes. We are doing the same activity, and I am eating half the calories that he is, but I stay the same, while he melts.
Life isn’t fair, and all things do not work equally for everyone. My friend, Keith, wrote that we get out of our workouts what we put into them, and he is right. However, sometimes, some people do not get the same results as “most people,” no matter what they put into the workout. I know Keith is right, because it works most of the time, with most people, and even when you don’t get the “normal” results, like myself, you get a VASTLY improved quality of life. So, Angry or no at the lack of results, I have to follow his advice because it enhances my quality of life. I believe working out is restoring the number of my days that obesity has already begun to rob from me.
I cannot give up the struggle, even if I do not win …even if I remain 250 pounds. I will just be the toughest fat girl you have ever seen!
I know without a doubt that I cannot be the only one who is struggling without results, some, who like me (in the past), may have given up the struggle. Sometimes it does not seem worth the effort. People, well meaning people, wanting to encourage you to move forward, will say things that derail your focus…..
DISCLAIMER–if you have ever said something like this to me, I knew you were being sweet, and that you care for me. I APPRECIATE your input or I would not have sent you an invite to read my blog. I am not trying to stab at you in a round-about way–I don’t play that.
…..one that comes to mind, “Just keep at it, it will work, don’t give up.” That sounds really nice doesn’t it? It was meant to be nice …they were trying to encourage me. (“They” is too many to number or name) What they did not realize or understand is I have been working out with a trainer for more than a year, take dance lessons with my hubby, lift weights, do Pilates Reformer (weights and core), ride bikes at the gym and on the road for both short and long distances, and have started to jog/walk. At EXACTLY what point is this going to work for me? Most of the people saying these things workout maybe three times a week for an hour and throw in a few weights here and there. When the weather is right, I probably workout 6 days a weeks for 2 or more hours each day. This is what brings on the angry face–futility.
Please, Keep Telling me it will work! It isn’t what “They” have said, but me, angry that my efforts do not show. I do have to keep going. So, please keep being nice and telling me it will work if I keep trying–I NEED to believe this. I need to question my doubts. Like an old pastor once wrote in my Bible, “Doubt your doubts and believe.” This is where I stand, yet again, poised at the precipice of hope. Ready to jump off the cliff and believe like an Eagle I will spread my wings and take flight … this time.