Yesterday, I was having a math problem. Not sure how I came up with Day 7?? Go figure.
You know how some skinny people have a fat mentality? Well, I have a skinny mental picture of myself. I am always surprised by how Large I appear in pictures. If I could go through life without having to try on clothes, or see pictures taken of me, then I truly believe my mental picture of myself would be enough, as long as I was healthy. I have posted a couple of pictures showing how I see myself mentally, and how I would LOVE to see myself in pictures. (smiling) These are goals pics. Obviously, I can’t be as young as these girls –there is plastic surgery, I know–BUT, I am always scared of surgery. (smiling)
This is how I see myself.
Warning: Before I get to far into my tale you should know; I don’t have a lot of time to write today so there could be many grammatical errors and misspelled words.
My friend, Greg, spoke to me about a woman who was 197 pounds, she took pictures of herself posed in a bikini, and posted them to her blog. Greg said that a lot of people supported her and encouraged her. I weigh 250 pounds, that would be a 50 + pound difference–I know I am baring my soul here ….BUT ….I think I am gonna keep my body covered. Grinning big here. I am thinking, as I type this, about sharing photos of me in my bike riding gear—TOTALLY YUCK.
What I would LIke to look like.
I wear this tight fitting, figure revealing outfit because I over heat easy, and I only wear these when I ride places where people don’t know me. (smiling)
This is how I actually look--notice I didn't take a pic with a side view
In “Reformer” (torture) class today Donna and I talked about Greg’s suggestion of bikini pics. She came up with the idea that we should take pics of me while on the machines. I looked up at my toad-like body in the mirror. All my flaws were highlighted as I perched on top of a box, that was suspended on another box, with my arms as big as thighs stretched out and…I cringed. But…..I want to act like I believe this time will be different, right? …So….to take pics….now….or NOT to take pics now? Do I truly have hope that …..this TIME….in the near future there will be wonderful before and after photos to rejoice over? Am I brave enough to put myself out there?
I have looked through the photos that I have not deleted–not too many made my immediate delete response due to having my mental image shattered–those that remain could be cropped enough that I didn’t have to show the worst of the worst. Here I go …I have decided to be brave and post the REALITY of me instead of the illusion of me. This feels like someone is peeling my skin from my flesh. I am screaming on the inside–just so you know!
Me before 30 lb. loss--see why no side views
after 30 lb. weight loss
Me AFTER GAINING 22 lbs. BACK! UHH
Diary of an Angry Fat Woman 
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Oh this has made me laugh so much! That mental picture thing…. YES! I have it too – I am endlessly shocked when I realise the truth! lol hold that mental picture though – because we will get there – there will be a time when our perception and the truth match (in a positive way lol) xxx
Thanks Dizi — so glad to make you laugh. We need to laugh at these things that trouble us. I really enjoyed reading your blog. =D Lets keep in touch — Healthy Eating! Cheers!
I can totally relate to the mental picture we all have of ourselves. I always joke that I’m perfectly happy with myself until I walk by a mirror and wonder who that fat and usually older looking gal is. I also say that God keeps me fat so I won’t dress like a hoochy mama. Lol. But no matter what we look like on the outside, I know what both of us are made of and there is so much beauty inside that it can’t help but shine through the layers. So keep taking your pix and show the world your beautiful you.
Way to stretch yourself Shonnie both literally with the reformer and figuratively with the pictures. I see nothing but beauty but you know the healthy you. Remember one pic a week! 🙂
I am settling down to a bowl of stir fry….love it with delicious seasonings. Someone told me last night at a party that both tomatoes and spinach are more nutritious being stir fried a little than they are raw. Pretty cool factoid. 🙂
Greg–you are awesome–all the way around. Thanks for sharing ideas and info with me. =) Now, tell me how to make those happy faces. hehe
Well, I know you hate you gained the weight back but I think you are gorgeous in the “gained 22 lbs back” photo. I am jealous of your topage. ;} Thought for the day: God REALLY loves you. Really. Hard for me to get my midget mind around. He thought about what you would look like before you were born. You are not being zapped with fat because you have done something wrong. If you really understand that He loves you, you can have faith in Him that he has a most excellent plan for you. Perfect love casts out fear. Practice letting Him carry the fear for you. Not preaching here….struggling with that myself. And you know that little factoid you posted about “the average person gains 6 lbs over the holidays.”? Well, I gained 7. (Didn’t want to be average I guess).
Thanks Loretta. I am counting on God’s love. =) You couldn’t be average if you tried. LOL. You are just an exceptional person.
Shonnie – I am so proud of you for doing this !! Want to make sure you know that you are supported a zillion % and that you are BEAUTIFUL no matter what your weight !!
Thanks Angie. I appreciate you…so much. It is really — really — really nice to have good friends to stand by you, and wish you well.