Yesterday, I was having a math problem. Not sure how I came up with Day 7?? Go figure.
You know how some skinny people have a fat mentality? Well, I have a skinny mental picture of myself. I am always surprised by how Large I appear in pictures. If I could go through life without having to try on clothes, or see pictures taken of me, then I truly believe my mental picture of myself would be enough, as long as I was healthy. I have posted a couple of pictures showing how I see myself mentally, and how I would LOVE to see myself in pictures. (smiling) These are goals pics. Obviously, I can’t be as young as these girls –there is plastic surgery, I know–BUT, I am always scared of surgery. (smiling)
Warning: Before I get to far into my tale you should know; I don’t have a lot of time to write today so there could be many grammatical errors and misspelled words.
My friend, Greg, spoke to me about a woman who was 197 pounds, she took pictures of herself posed in a bikini, and posted them to her blog. Greg said that a lot of people supported her and encouraged her. I weigh 250 pounds, that would be a 50 + pound difference–I know I am baring my soul here ….BUT ….I think I am gonna keep my body covered. Grinning big here. I am thinking, as I type this, about sharing photos of me in my bike riding gear—TOTALLY YUCK.
I wear this tight fitting, figure revealing outfit because I over heat easy, and I only wear these when I ride places where people don’t know me. (smiling)
In “Reformer” (torture) class today Donna and I talked about Greg’s suggestion of bikini pics. She came up with the idea that we should take pics of me while on the machines. I looked up at my toad-like body in the mirror. All my flaws were highlighted as I perched on top of a box, that was suspended on another box, with my arms as big as thighs stretched out and…I cringed. But…..I want to act like I believe this time will be different, right? …So….to take pics….now….or NOT to take pics now? Do I truly have hope that …..this TIME….in the near future there will be wonderful before and after photos to rejoice over? Am I brave enough to put myself out there?
I have looked through the photos that I have not deleted–not too many made my immediate delete response due to having my mental image shattered–those that remain could be cropped enough that I didn’t have to show the worst of the worst. Here I go …I have decided to be brave and post the REALITY of me instead of the illusion of me. This feels like someone is peeling my skin from my flesh. I am screaming on the inside–just so you know!