Lately, I have a number of comments regarding the lightness of my smile. Since I am a generally bubbly person, this confused me. I know the name of the blog is about an ANGRY FAT WOMAN, but I was only angry about my FAT Problem, not about life in general–my anger was specific and directed. I have been chewing this comment over and over in my mind.
I ruminated why are so many people noticing something different in my smile. I believe that the reason for the change in my smile is ….. the lifting of the FEAR of the “Valley of the Shadow of Death…” that has persistently pursued me for the last 10 years. What my friends saw is what I sought to hide … in fact, I did hide the dread of an untimely death from my mind … most days. I have felt as though stalked by the hounds of hell, that at any turn I would be consumed, and there was nothing I could do to escape them.
A affliction of melancholy has lifted off my spirit that I was only scant aware of, because I cannot stand to live in darkness … I pretended (my speculation on what took place) that I was NOT living in a constant state of dread. I strove to live in JOY and Hope, but truly, deeply rooted in my heart was FEAR. Now, that I have a real hope that things will continue in the Better-for-my-health direction, it has begun to show in my photographs what I had not even realized in myself. Until … people started commenting … then I had to stop and examine WHY were folks were saying this.
I have always believed that today is the day for “Choosing Joy.” Today is the day for living fully in the moment. One can never get today back, or the people who are dear to us … SO … Each day is a moment in our life that needs to be celebrated along with the people of most importance. This is how I live … or I thought I did. Self deception is a powerful force in our life. I know self deception is generally considered a bad thing, and maybe in my case it was, but I thought I was happy, and it made my life better for that moment. I am glad the gloom has lifted from my heart, and real hope has begun to take root in that hidden place within my soul.
I have a LOT to be thankful for today. I am thankful for Donna and Dean Jones who hooked me up with EatRight/OptiFast, the folks at UAB EatRight, and the OptiFast solution that has worked so well for me. I keep hearing the song, “Blue Skies Smilin’ at me …. blue skies from now on.” I know life won’t be perfect, because it never is, but I do feel hopeful that in the “Valley of the Shadow of death” I can do as the Psalmist stated … “I will fear NO evil” for the first time in a VERY long time. Thanks to all of you who made the comments that caused me to dig into this … I am WAY happier now that I did. 🙂