It is the Day Before …

I am riding-walking-running across the bridge to health no matter the scale numbers ... I'm just sayin'! 🙂

You guessed it, the day before weigh in.  Am I nervous?  I don’t know what I am where that is concerned.  I am not expecting much, which annoys me.  Why?  I don’t know.  I haven’t been perfect, and I haven’t been bad, but sometimes that doesn’t seem to matter.  I seem smaller in my clothes.  My hubby and family keep telling me I look smaller — Who Knows?!?!  🙂

Lately, I have noticed a change in the way people treat me.  Having once been fit and, according to some, attractive when I was younger, I remember a time when people smiled at me with interest instead of distain, pity, or disgust.  Lately, people are looking at me with interest again.  Men hold the door open for me and smile again, some did when I was heavier, but many would let me open the door and they would step in and almost on me without so much an excuse me.  It is funny what you get used too.  I remember, years ago, when it started to fade away, how hurt I was.  I had forgotten the former time of dignity and respect, and the later non-human-of-value treatment had become the norm.  A norm that I had told myself that I shunned and rejected.

What truly amazes me …

I have to preface what I am about to say with these following thoughts: I have always had a high opinion of myself–or at least I thought I did.  I am a smart, fun, devoted, creative, loving, truthful, and a giving woman.  Skinny or fat I am the same person.  As a large woman I still seemed to intimidate people, which has always blown my mind since I love people and have no desire to create those feelings in a living soul (unless you are trying to harm one of my children–then it is a different story).  I think I carry myself with dignity no matter my size.  Having said that …

Now, back to what amazes me … is that with this renewed respectful treatment I find that I have to ask my husband if it is real.  I think, that somehow, the negative feelings and treatment of others actually permeated my belief in myself, and at my core there are negative ideas regarding my lack of worth.

This SHOCKS ME.  Anyone who knows me, knows I like myself.  I did not like being large, but I liked me.  I loved me.  Being large caused me to dig deep into myself and find me.  Being large while a BIG negative did have positives. I learned to love me.  I learned to lean on who I really am as a person, and not outward appearance to move myself forward.  I learned how to grow older with grace and confidence.  This is valuable.  We must all love ourselves … like ourselves … no matter what particular lot in life we have drawn … we must value who we are as a person above all things.  I truly believe this, and this is why I find myself in state of confusion at what was buried deep within my soul.  I pray that all the large women and men of the world find themselves surrounded with those who love them and believe in their worth no matter their size.

Do I want to go back to super large?  NO!  I am thankful for OptiFast and the people at UAB Eatright program for helping me gain control of my health.  I am glad that I see this ugly behavior for what it is — devaluing people based on outward appearance is an evil and cruel thing that NONE of us needs to take into our hearts for a moment.  We each have value and worth, no matter what our size, or how many failures we have experienced on our journey to health.  We just need to learn from our setbacks and move forward in our journey.  Celebrate that we are alive and pressing forward.  Be proud of our baby steps.  Be thankful that we have a new day to give it one more go.  It does not matter how society values us … we have value.  I guess what I want to say is … Love yourself.  Be Kind to yourself.   Tell yourself that you are of great worth and value, because YOU ARE.  You are to me.

I know I am waxing a bit sappy, but there are countless numbers of large folks left out there struggling to find health. Just because I have moved on to the smaller side of life has changed naught, my heart aches to strengthen those who are still struggling behind on the Mount-of-Obesity.  Wishing them strength and courage to believe in themselves.  Hoping that they have not allowed that poisonous idea, large-people-are-of-no-worth, to seep into their hearts …. knowing many have.  My prayer is that just by writing this down that it will go out into the universe and bring healing to the hearts of the wounded souls and give them strength to hope.

Blessings …S

P.S.  I am going to apologize in advance for typo’s and grammar errors … no time to read and reread.  Sorry.   I know it isn’t too new of a concept for y’all.  😉


13 thoughts on “It is the Day Before …

  1. It is unfortunate how jaded people are. It goes to show you that the society has a misinterpretation of beauty.

    Nonetheless, great entry. Keep chiseling away the pounds.

  2. I couldn’t agree with you more. I have done the yoyo thing too. I can tell you at exactly what size the visibility line occurs for me. Suddenly people see you. Ironically, there were some other people who liked me heavier, but didn’t like it when I lost weight. Well you can’t please everyone. But like you, I kept thinking, “I am still the same person. I really haven’t changed.” I try and challenge myself to make sure I don’t make the same appearance judgements about other people. “Charm is deceptive, beauty fades away, but the woman who is Godly is greatly to be praised.” Ps 31. I try and remember this about myself and others. Thank you for posting and verbalizing what so many of us have experienced. You are doing great, and it is wonderful when the inner beauty translates to the outer beauty.

    • That is the irony, we can’t please everyone no matter what we do. the invisibilty factor is something that I had honestly learned to live with and hadn’t realized it was so prevelant. Love the scripture refrence. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and leaving me a nice comment. 🙂

  3. Your post is sooo apropos!

    I didn’t post the bloody details on my own blog, but I went on a date on Saturday (yes, a real date–guy, girl, no third wheel–with the guy I got foisted on six weeks ago, well we were mutually foisted on each other).

    He’s only about an inch and a half taller than me and my brothers are 6’3″ and 6’4″… kind of intimidating for a not 6’3-4″ guy. He asked me if I generally date guys who are my height (5’6.5″ or 5’7″ (depending on daily spinal compression)) or my brothers’ height. We talked about it for a little bit, but I wasn’t happy with my answer…

    I emailed him today to expand. I basically told him, without going into detail, that my current package and trimmings aren’t the package and trimmings I’ve always had and I’m acutely aware of the fact we are all more than our outer appearances. Try growing up in Orange County, California when you don’t look like you’ve walked off a magazine cover. And yet I’ve always known I have a great personality, wonderful intellect, and mad skills in the kitchen as well as a huge capacity to love the people in my life. When you’ve walked the other side of perception, you learn to look past the outer trappings and see the person inside. You value the important stuff. And yes, I love me for who I am no matter how I appear in a photograph or mirror.

    Yes, I told him all of this and then pointed out that what’s inside is far more important than how many inches he can chalk on a wall. So he’s not 6’3″ or 6’4″. Who cares? He’s smart, funny, loves Jesus, is worth the time to get to know, and he’s good looking to boot! (Well, I didn’t spell out all the details in that last sentence, no sense scaring him off.) 😉

    • How wonderful Beth! I hope he was able to rejoice in your wonderful words. 🙂 I know what you mean, what is inside is so much more important than the outward, because it fades and all you are left with is the inside. 🙂 I am so excited for you. Thanks for sharing that with me. I feel really special now. 🙂

  4. Well since you were young and skinny at one time and now larger you can understand how both sides feel. No one can truly understand until they go through it. You can only senpathize otherwise. I love the push you have to get out and go Never loose it. I love you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s