You guessed it, the day before weigh in. Am I nervous? I don’t know what I am where that is concerned. I am not expecting much, which annoys me. Why? I don’t know. I haven’t been perfect, and I haven’t been bad, but sometimes that doesn’t seem to matter. I seem smaller in my clothes. My hubby and family keep telling me I look smaller — Who Knows?!?! 🙂
Lately, I have noticed a change in the way people treat me. Having once been fit and, according to some, attractive when I was younger, I remember a time when people smiled at me with interest instead of distain, pity, or disgust. Lately, people are looking at me with interest again. Men hold the door open for me and smile again, some did when I was heavier, but many would let me open the door and they would step in and almost on me without so much an excuse me. It is funny what you get used too. I remember, years ago, when it started to fade away, how hurt I was. I had forgotten the former time of dignity and respect, and the later non-human-of-value treatment had become the norm. A norm that I had told myself that I shunned and rejected.
What truly amazes me …
I have to preface what I am about to say with these following thoughts: I have always had a high opinion of myself–or at least I thought I did. I am a smart, fun, devoted, creative, loving, truthful, and a giving woman. Skinny or fat I am the same person. As a large woman I still seemed to intimidate people, which has always blown my mind since I love people and have no desire to create those feelings in a living soul (unless you are trying to harm one of my children–then it is a different story). I think I carry myself with dignity no matter my size. Having said that …
Now, back to what amazes me … is that with this renewed respectful treatment I find that I have to ask my husband if it is real. I think, that somehow, the negative feelings and treatment of others actually permeated my belief in myself, and at my core there are negative ideas regarding my lack of worth.
This SHOCKS ME. Anyone who knows me, knows I like myself. I did not like being large, but I liked me. I loved me. Being large caused me to dig deep into myself and find me. Being large while a BIG negative did have positives. I learned to love me. I learned to lean on who I really am as a person, and not outward appearance to move myself forward. I learned how to grow older with grace and confidence. This is valuable. We must all love ourselves … like ourselves … no matter what particular lot in life we have drawn … we must value who we are as a person above all things. I truly believe this, and this is why I find myself in state of confusion at what was buried deep within my soul. I pray that all the large women and men of the world find themselves surrounded with those who love them and believe in their worth no matter their size.
Do I want to go back to super large? NO! I am thankful for OptiFast and the people at UAB Eatright program for helping me gain control of my health. I am glad that I see this ugly behavior for what it is — devaluing people based on outward appearance is an evil and cruel thing that NONE of us needs to take into our hearts for a moment. We each have value and worth, no matter what our size, or how many failures we have experienced on our journey to health. We just need to learn from our setbacks and move forward in our journey. Celebrate that we are alive and pressing forward. Be proud of our baby steps. Be thankful that we have a new day to give it one more go. It does not matter how society values us … we have value. I guess what I want to say is … Love yourself. Be Kind to yourself. Tell yourself that you are of great worth and value, because YOU ARE. You are to me.
I know I am waxing a bit sappy, but there are countless numbers of large folks left out there struggling to find health. Just because I have moved on to the smaller side of life has changed naught, my heart aches to strengthen those who are still struggling behind on the Mount-of-Obesity. Wishing them strength and courage to believe in themselves. Hoping that they have not allowed that poisonous idea, large-people-are-of-no-worth, to seep into their hearts …. knowing many have. My prayer is that just by writing this down that it will go out into the universe and bring healing to the hearts of the wounded souls and give them strength to hope.
P.S. I am going to apologize in advance for typo’s and grammar errors … no time to read and reread. Sorry. I know it isn’t too new of a concept for y’all. 😉