What do you see?

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

When on a journey of any kind, the path that is chosen will transform the journeyer.  The transformation happens with or without the pilgrim’s conscious approval.  It happens without that traveler actually seeing what those outside the change notice and marvel at.  I am on such a journey.

You would think that it would be easy for me to see a 69 pound change easily, but it isn’t always easy for me to see anything other than the woman who has looked out of my mirror at me for years.  Friends who have not seen me in a while gawk and make a huge ta-do over how different I look.  They say they would not have recognized me if they had not seen me with Mike–they would not have made the connection that I was myself.

Recently, I have experienced strangers telling me how beautiful or pretty I look today.  I have had people say I want my skin to look like yours.  This was a common occurrence as a young woman (I was a make-up artist, hairstylist, and model in my youth), but it has been so long since these types of comments have been spoken to me that I almost don’t know what to do with them.  I am NOT shy, but I feel humbled and awkward when strangers, friends, and family make a ta-do about how much I have changed.  Obviously, I am NOT upset by their comments, but I don’t know how to respond.  It is extremely exciting for others to see you in such a positive light. I still see me.

I know that I have changed.  Yesterday, I was supposed to wear a white skirt to a ladies’ gathering. I went into my closet to grab my white skirt.  I figured it would be loose but would work just fine for this event.  WRONG!  I pulled it up and situated it just right, and it fell straight down to the floor.  Just that quick.  I looked up at myself in the mirror.  I had a look of disbelief on my face.  Well, I was going to be out of clothing order for our event, because there was NO time to procure another skirt at this late hour.

I haven’t lost much in the pounds department, and most of my workout clothing still fits well, so it didn’t seem to me that I had changed much.  I guess I have.  I have noticed the bones in my arms when I hug myself.  I always asking Mike silly questions — do I look skinnier?  Do my arms feel bonier to you?

This whole skirt falling to floor thing sparked another round of trying on clothes.  UH … guys and gals … this chick has TWO pairs of pants (not paints!).  No Shorts again that fit.  A few shirts. One Skirt.  This is IT!  I tried on a shirt that only a month ago was tight in my shoulders and arms and now the shirt is TOO BIG!

I have to go shopping for real this time … I have NO CLOTHES!  When did this change happen.  How did so few pounds make so much difference in my clothing? Where was I?  How did I miss this change happening?

When I gaze at myself in the mirror, I see the same person who has looked out of the mirror at me for years.  How is this possible?  How do I see the same person who has looked out at me?  I can’t look the same — people don’t recognize me if they haven’t seen me in a while.  How do I see the same person most days??  I think I see me — not how I look — but me.  I think this is confusing for truly accepting the change this journey has brought me.

I must admit that sometimes, lately, I catch a glimpse of a woman who is vaguely familiar looking out at me in wonder and amazement.  This person, is checking our reflection from all angles and smiles shyly with hope for a new tomorrow.

Chow ... now off to do my projects.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  …..S


26 thoughts on “What do you see?

    • Awe … Bleau … what a wonderful thing for you to say. I feel extra special good after you saying that about my writing knowing how well you write. 🙂

  1. and yet again you’ve nailed it! Sometimes I guess it’s hard for our perception to catch up with our reality – maybe that’s how we got fat in the first place – I think it’s part of it for me anyway – it took a while for perception to catch up with reality and by the time it did it was too late – I was fat.. and all the adjusting in the world wasn’t going to change that! You certainly are beautiful – but you were attractive at your heavier weight too – BUT you need to be both attractive and healthy – that’s what’s so important here! I love the white skirt story – you realise it symbolises a white flag – your flab has waved the flag – it’s given in – it’s let go – you’re now free to be the Shonnie you want to be 🙂 xxx

    • I sure hope you are right about the flab Dizi! I feel VERY bloated today. I haven’t worked out since Friday and I feel puffy and fluffy. 🙂 I am so hungry right now that I cannot even think. 🙂

  2. Shonnie your beauty becomes evident when you are convinced that you are beautiful People simply pick up on your energy and express what they see inside your soul

  3. I know exactly what you mean, I still feel like I am and look like who I was before the weight loss but when I look at pictures and am around other people I am told that I look like a whole new person. It is quite an amazing journey.

    • Hey TEST! Thanks for stopping by — GREAT to see you. I am glad I am to know that I am not alone in my feelings. 🙂 The pictures help a LOT. I go back and look and now I can see it. I have to tell you I am sometimes still very shocked that I was that large.

    • I am getting used to doing exactly what you are suggesting. I know you are right, but sometimes knowing is less than half the battle (from the old G.I. Joe cartoon –Knowing is half the battle. Hehe!). 😉

  4. Change seems hard to acknoledge in ourselves, especially positive change, why should that be so hard…Keep up the good work! Love your writing….Nancy

    • Change is hard! I don’t care what kind of change it is. I am not sure why good/positive change is so hard for us to accept, or why the negative stuff is so easy to accept. Thank you Nancy for all your kind words. You are such a great supporter. Thank you. 🙂

  5. Shonnie,
    You are awesome. You put into words what many others are experiencing, and you do it so eloquently. I can relate in many ways. Though I have lost just shy of 30lbs, I too continue to get the comments and have the clothing dilemma, though not to your extent. I have been looking in the mirror and seeing a smaller me, but I think it is subtle. I have no idea how I will feel when I lose 55-65 more pounds. Either way, I will still be reading your posts for insight and support.

    Happy Saturday,
    Have a fun day-

    • Thanks Lisa — I had a VERY fun Saturday.

      Thanks for all your kind, caring, and encouraging words. They mean a lot when, because I know they come from a fellow journeyer! I am glad the weight loss is a slower process than we, if we were truthful, wish would take place, because I think all these changes have to be processed. It could be overwhelming if it happened any faster. I look forward to reading about when you go through all these changes too. 🙂

      Blessings ~~Shonnie

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