Yesterday’s Fear


Yesterday’s post was much longer in my mind, but I could not for the life of me drag it out of my beleaguered brain.  It was so weary from lack of sleep.  Yes, I was able to sleep with my apnea machine all through the night!  YES!  So … yesterday … I posted what I could get out of my foggy cognition and waited to see just what you all would think of to say about hanging by a thread.  Loved your responses.  You all are the VERY BEST!  ~~ just wanted you to know that.  🙂

Fear.  Is a fierce biting word that melts our inner strength away as if we were merely ice cream on a hot summer’s day left unprotected in the sun’s powerful gaze to dissolve.   Fear wreaks havoc on our souls, abandoning us, leaving us flattened out on the sidewalk of life to curdle, bake, and finally be reduced to a horrid sickening smell.  Fear, fear of what?

My son in the smaller closer version of yesterday’s photo, gives the impression that he is  fighting for his life or at the very least to hang on while calling for help.  Several posts back I called out for your help.  Why?  Because I did not want to be out here hanging on the side of my weight loss cliff by myself.  I wanted to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that there would be people who would remind me of how far I have come.  I got a bonus; you all told me how strong you saw me to be.  How could one run in fear when so many saw you as strong, … motivated, …able even??  One couldn’t quit with all that behind one, could one?

Well, I thought my son’s funny little prank was so apropos for what I have been going through the last month.  To be perfectly honest, F.E.A.R. was beginning to take hold in my heart.  It doesn’t help that life’s filled with causes for alarm, my life is no less subject to its terrors. I would push my fears over weight down, but having such battles of late (battles I have NEVER had controlling myself before) to redirect my eating focus was shaking my confidence.  I read one post about a person gaining all their weight back and then some, and I flipped into stark raving PANIC mode.  What did I do?  Well, chica here got on the treadmill (because it was too hot outside) and ran all out for 8 straight minutes and then walked for another 7 at a VERY high pace up my man-made hill.  As I ran, I shouted that I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t go back.  I won’t go back; I won’t go back.  I just can’t go back.  I screamed as I ran; I ran as hard as I could go from my fear.  I ran, then walked until the fear was replaced with calm.

I began to breathe deeply (that would probably be the run up hill I did in 8 minutes–mind you I could never even run 5 minutes straight before this moment.  I ran 2 1/2 unbroken laps around the track.  Past runs, I walked half the lap and ran half the lap–got me some gain right there! hehe!).  A calm settled over me.  I walked over to my bed and lay myself down and talked with my Mikey on the phone to continue the healing of my freaked emotions.  Thankfully, he was just about home when I called him, he came running up the stairs to give me a hug and cheered me on with comments about how impressed he was with what I did with my panic.  He showered me reasons why and how I wouldn’t be one of those who gained all their weight back.  Then, I got on here and read all your comments.  I was emboldened.

Now the solid ground is visible ... is your precarious perch truly terrifying or is it a play on light?

I began to realize just as my son’s photo was an illusion, so were my fears.  This time IS different on many levels.  We have discovered so many health-related issues that caused the weight to be stubborn, and we have corrected them.  This was the first weight gain that I have experienced (since my illness) that made sense and was actually predictable.  Which was, truthfully, beyond encouraging; as odd as that may sound.  As you see in the photo, he is actually standing on solid ground: it only appears dangerous.  The worst that could happen to him if he slipped from this position would be a bruise or two, maybe a sprained ankle.  I suppose there could be a freak accident that would take him out, but that would be a bizarre occurrence.  This is exactly my current weight loss position.  I am firmly on the foundation of the EatRight program, and I have a staff of people that would help me kick this in the rear if something freakish went wrong and caused me to start gaining again.  I can relax. I can trust.  I can hope.  I can believe with confidence that I will make it to GOAL, and I will be one of those who keeps it off.

I have so many active goals for my long range plans that it would be really hard for me to get large if I act on my plans.  I was acting on them as a 255 pound woman … what cha wanna bet that I will continue on smaller????

Remember this is what I looked like last September on my trip to Denver ... and now, to see what I will looked like this time. 🙂

I think a girl's gotta rejoice in how far she's come! 😀

And she has to be thankful for how many new mountain paths she is able to climb. 🙂

She should remember how happy her family is about her weight loss so far and thankful for all she is able to do with those she loves. Also, this girl is THANKFUL for her Reformer Buddies who told her today she looked like she LOST weight! ehehehe! 🙂 I know ... I know ... I am so blessed. 🙂

Doubt your doubts and believe ….S

Oh and what am I doing for fun this evening???  After my trainer nazi session?  Well, Mikey has promised me a BIKE RIDE!

7 thoughts on “Yesterday’s Fear

  1. you look terrific! i am also on the journey to lose weight and become healthier. I’ve lost 25 lbs so far and have 75 lbs to go. i hope you will check out my blog sometime… i try to post recipes, tips, and progress reports. if you have any tips or anything to share with ym readers, that would be great! it is still a small blog but almost all the people who follow on blogspot or through email are also trying to lsoe weight and we could use all the encouragement and success stories possible. 🙂

    keep up the great work! you look great!!!

  2. Good job facing the fear. LIke the famous presidential quote – the only we have to fear, etc. Fear is a big enemy which can booby trap our journey. You came out fighting! And the way I feel, it’s a fight for my life. Keep up the good work.

  3. To be honest you have moved for being cheerily round to what we call in the Uk, a bit of a ” corker”. Mike is very proud of you, and thats as it should be. You are tough as hell, I suspect , so if you want to do something, you will. No setback is going to get in your way

  4. Hey Shonnie…not only are you helping yourself but think about the motivation you are providing for Mikey to stay healthy….men do age faster….together and separate you are both great people and proud to know you both! Nancy and Dick

  5. I agree: sometimes fear and confidence are just a matter of perspective and interpretation of your circumstances. You have come a long way and will go a lot further!

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