Struggling with commitment


Lookin' to the future ... and blue skies are smilin' at me. 🙂

I am not accustomed to having difficulty with anything I set my mind to do. Yet, I find myself struggling to act faithfully upon Dr. Ard’s suggestion to return to the first week of transition. This begs the question: have I actually committed? I hate sweet food; it grew with intensity as my time on full formula continued onward toward transition.  I am hungry, out of my mind hungry … sweets don’t cut it.  They make me sick.  So … here I stand in the middle of my non-salty-food-house-of-shakes trying to make myself mentally happy about my decision, so I don’t struggle emotionally so bad.  So far … Not so good.  One thing’s for sure … I ain’t cravin’ no fatty foods!  Guess that’s a plus!  🙂

Last night, while riding our bikes, Mike and I talked about why we thought that I was wrangling back and forth with eating and why out of the blue I struggle with portion control.  I have never had a problem with portion control before.  In fact, before OptiFast, my stomach was smaller than it is now, which is something I do not understand.  It really doesn’t make any sense.  No one else seems to have this problem.  Now, I am struggling with a problem I have never had.  I have had a box of chocolates last a month (or longer if no one else got to them), because I would eat one piece and be perfectly satisfied; yesterday I started to have only one that turned into FOUR?!?!?!  What the HECK is that?

Mike thinks that maybe I am feeling deprived.  My reply back to him was, “How can I be deprived?  I chose to do this.  No one is making me.  This is a choice I am making for my health.”  So we spoke over my body declaring as we rode that I am NOT deprived. I am not persecuted.  I have made a wise healthy choice, and I am not turning back.  This seemed to help, but there was still more nagging at my mind.

Some time yesterday, I read something on Dizi Daisy’s page about her need to examine why she is wrestling so hard with doing what she knows works when she has less than 5 pounds to go.  Her questioning herself made me start a very serious conversation with myself and my beloved hubby.  This conversation brought me to tears.  I am not one hundred precent sure, but I just might be sabotaging myself.

Why would I do that?  Well, I was a big girl and not only was I big, but I tended to swell in excess of ten pounds at a time.  I would swell so badly that my skin hurt to the touch. Something that does not happen anymore, I might add.   Weight loss and a reduction in swelling has left my neck looking like a turkey just before killing time, saggy and baggy.  I really can’t stand it.  I know my pictures don’t show that, but am I crazy that should post pics of that?  NO!

I am slightly freaked about what 30 more pounds lost is going to look like?  Am I going to look like a hag?  Tired and worn out?  I want to have faith that it won’t be any worse than now, but how can I be sure?  I am not sure that I can make myself go under the knife to correct the skin problems.  The idea of surgery scares me badly.  Unfortunately, corrective surgery will be the only way to remove all the excess skin I have when I reach goal.  I know I will not be able to stand much worse on the sag, bag, and wrinkle.  It isn’t just in my face, but … my arms … my knees … my stomach, and other places that are hard to bear looking at.

Mike tells me I am beautiful.  I really appreciate his kindness, and his eyes that are filled with love for me; they filter every ugly thing out.  I am a blessed woman.  I know this.  However, I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I am wondering if that is possible if I go forward.  I think that has been playing in the background lately, and has been a major part of my struggle with myself, because my heart is divided and not completely committed to push for the goal I set for myself.  I know, vanity.  It is very hard to go from one source of shame to another.

In the end, my desire for health must out weigh the fear of looking older and haggardly.  I know Mike will think I am beautiful; he did when I was very large; he will when I am very wrinkled. I tell myself I am satisfied with this, even when I know in my heart I am not.  I would like to have both, that may not be possible.

So, off I wobble into the sunset of my ego, to press onward and upward towards my goal of health.  Now, that I have discovered my weights that were binding me to my sluggish weight, I break their bonds and move forward with my will towards my destiny.  Wrinkled or no … off, off I must go.

Some things are more important than beauty ... and ther two of those important things are walking behind me in this photo. Being able to play and be there for them is way more important than my vanity. 🙂

Smiling and laughing I will go … because who can tolerate a drag … well unless it is my chin (I will tolerate that, I guess I gotta!)?  Hey, does any one know any exercises that work on saggin chins?

Till … tha morrow … I bid you a bon fair-the-well ….S

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29 thoughts on “Struggling with commitment

  1. I’m so sorry you’re having such a bad time. I just started cutting back portions and eliminating bad carbs and I am STARVING!. I admire you so much and know you’ll get through this. The one good thing about being fat is not having wrinkles. I wonder all the time if I’ll look haggard if I ever lose all the weight. Although, surgery doesn’t scare me so that would definitely be an option if it was a problem. I guess I should concentrate on losing the weight right now. 🙂

    You’re in my prayers.

  2. Well I think you look gorgeous and you can not see any saggy baggy bits in your pics!! WE are always more critical of ourselves than others though. Often the things that we don’t like about ourselves, the ones closest to us love those things! I don’t think I could ever have cosmetic surgery either! Hmm maybe a boob job after I’ve finished having kiddies just to make them look they did when I was 21!!! LOL!

    • LOL! I would love to restore the twins to their former glory, still I am not sure if I can do so. 🙂 thanks for the sweet words of encouragement. I am trying to see myself through my hubbies eyes. 🙂

  3. What about yoga? Feel free to tell me to stuff it, but when I couldn’t do workouts that demanded a major energy draw, I used yoga for toning and strength. I still do yoga to correct the damage I do to myself running. Ack. Like I said, feel free to tell me to stuff it. I just thought I’d throw it out there 🙂

    • I like yoga, but it won’t replace lifting weights and riding. I would never tell you to stuff it … I appreciate you taking the time to comment and give me ideas! I am just tired of being hungry all day everyday, and my only solution is to slow the exercies to a crawl. I just don’t know if I can do three more months of drinking my food and all that being sweet. 🙂

    • Thanks Ducky. I am glad I am normal in something. hehe. 😉 Thanks for your kind words, my body is giving me fits right now. It isn’t making for a sunny Shonnie, but a very grumpy budget. 😀

      Think I am gonna come stalk ya when I get back from my bike ride. 😀

  4. Chin exercises??? Do tell!!! LOL Wish I knew some myself. It does get better. Use lots of moisturizer inside and out (ie water and night cream). Of course, there will be certain things we cannot change (my upper arms, thighs) a lot but it doesn’t matter. Look at the freaking gorgeous rest of you, Shonnie. Keep your focus “there” because it is we who are often hardest on ourselves and overlook our own beauty entirely. I know this because I do it to myself. Daily. Trying hard to stop it and focus on all my “pretties” which I can see you obviously have LOTS of. Enjoy “you” as we all do 🙂 Thanks for sharing your journey so openly and supporting others in theirs. You are, indeed, one very special individual. Inside and out.

    • Aurora,

      I had this lengthy comment written out and it got deleted. Makes me nuts, wordpress has changed something and if you use spell check you can lose the whole comment if you aren’t careful. Makes me nuts. 😛

      Thanks for your sweet comments. They made me smile–big time. Mike was very moved by them, which I believe he beat me posting his comment sence I lost mine!!! UHH! Thanks for making me smile, I needed that.

      Hugs and thanks. 🙂

  5. Hey Shonnie! You are doing such an amazing job on your journey. I know how it feels to go through some of these tribulations and negative thoughts. It’s hard to lose a part of you that has been there for so long. Just don’t let them consume you, we’ll feel so much better when we drop the weight and we’ll be healthier!

    • Thanks Testy! You are such an encourager. Thank you more than words can say. I know you have been at this a LONG while. How much have you lost so far? I keep forgetting, but I think it is in excess of 100 pounds right? I know you know your stuff. 🙂

      I am trying to keep my focus … not doing as good because of what I want to do with racing. 🙂

  6. Have you considered racing? Like running, triathlon, or long-distance cycling? When I decided I wanted to live a better, healthy life – that I didn’t want to be the person I used to be – setting a goal race helped me focus on what I could do, instead of what I looked like. Having two big babies did some damage to my body that was HARD to think about. And now triathlon training is my addiction!
    Hang in there, tough lady. You’re so close!

    • Yes, Desi, that is the reason for my frustration. I either do the diet … or I do the race. I can’t do both without this horrible crushing hunger and feeling incredibly bad. I am sure you are familiar with bad nutrition and training. Not that OptiFast is bad nutrition, because it makes for great food while riding … not too heavy and keeps you with ready power for pushing.

      My problems come in when I just eat the liquid food. I become extremely agitated. I mean major bad crashes and starvation. If I could stomach 5 extra shakes I would be ok, but I just can’t make myself eat that much sweet food. You have any suggestions??

      I am going to talk with Dr. Ard about it. I know they/he doesn’t intend for me to be so miserable, but I am almost positive he will want me to stick to his plan and give up the race. CAn you understand why that is very stressful for me?

      • Oh, honey. Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I tried my first round of training while nursing my son, and my doctor prescribed me Boost supplements to top up my calories. Barf. I couldn’t handle the four extra Boost shakes a day. Could. Not. (Why do they have to be so sweet?) And my son made it plain he would rather starve than drink infant formula. So I had to wait six months to start training, and it sucked because I couldn’t get away from the reminder of everything I wasn’t able to do, yet. Booo!

        I hope you and your doctor can work out a compromise that will help you get to your goal without being so agitated and uncomfortable. It really is a crazy-stressful situation.

  7. Shonnie, I did not know about these problems before. They only make me respect you more. Yours is a battle I wouldn’t have survived. I hope your doc comes out with some alternative to the surgeries. Until then, I hope ‘Struggling with commitment’ phase ends soon. And yes, you husband is right – you do look gorgeous 🙂
    Keep going girl!

    • Thanks Saya. I appreciate your sweet words. They mean the world. I need to think positive thoughts. As I wrote today … I think I have come to understand why I am struggling … I have crosswise goals and that is the cause of my “struggling” … so I will be good once I can figure out what I want to do most. 😀

  8. Oh, Shonnie! Keep telling yourself you can do it! And while my neck had that turkey thing going on for a while, the skin has since tightened up. It didn’t happen over night, mind you, but it happened. And that’s all that matters. So keep plugging away and keep smiling. I know I haven’t been around, but it doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention. 🙂

    I actually pulled out my Excel food diary today and started planning my menu for the week because I feel like I’ve let my food get away from me in the past two weeks, so I’m going to journal it to keep track of what’s going one. More for mental relief. Then I don’t have to do the math in my head…

    • Thanks Beth.

      I appreciate your taking a moment to drop me such a sweet line when I KNOW you are dealing with your own painful battle right now. I will keep telling myself that I can do it. I want to tell myself that. I just hate that I have to go backwards on the shake thing.

      I will be OK. I made up my mind today, after my cry, this is what I want. I think I had my mind set on another direction, but this really will be better. I just had to get there mentally and figure out what was making me so wobbly. I need to get rid of my belly for health reasons … so we go with health, not beauty. 🙂 Besides Mikey will think I am beautiful no matter … So what do I have to complain about really? NADA

      Thanks again — your words are healing. 🙂

      • That’s me and my food diary… I just had to mentally get there. I love the structure, but hate the planning that’s required. And the work prepping the food every night. But I love the results. It’s a vicious cycle, I tell you! But we can both do it!

        And you are a truly blessed woman to have Mike… and having met him, I can verify you words are truth! (Hi, Mike!)

  9. Wow, I am still… busy with myself – yet I saw many posts from you and felt: there is something going on, I gonna look. Here we are…

    I do believe that weight goes much deeper than weight. It is about inherent problems and issues, which are vented that way – by weight. Like unsolved problems. Your current situation could be a hint at that. Something you should resolve but did not – yet. Probably something personally painful – to yourself only?

    You do not have issues controlling yourself, you are not sabotaging yourself, but instead signs of unresolved … things? I am sure you will find those.

    Another possibility is something I learned also: body fat is hormonic active. Meaning it changes hormon production drastically. By that your mood changes a lot by gaining or loosing weight. Please keep that in mind.

    On excess skin I am torn between so many articles I read. Yet one pushed me towards Triathlon. This specific article told me: loads of sports increase blood flow in the skin, increases the amount of capillars, improve skin structure and add underlying muscles. This way eliminating the problem of excess skin. Yet I do not know you in person and of course not what it is like in your case. Yet I heard from a lot of doctors who know about this issue and tell: you can fight that problem before it is one, while loosing weight.

    I hope and wish you the very best.

    Yours truly

    Martin

    • Thanks Martin. 🙂

      You are a sweetheart. I like the idea about the Tri stuff. I know that is where I want to push … more exersice. I hope that works. If it did that would be GREAT, cuz I have a fighting chance for my skin to look better. 🙂 I know I am going to exercise … that is a given … I am an addict. You know what I mean.

      Thanks … some good stuff to think on. 🙂

      Shonnie

  10. Has Dr Ard got any suggestions for a healthy vegetable soup or something that could be used in substitute for the shakes? The point of those shakes, I thought, was to limit calorie intake but still have vitamins and minerals necessary for life. If the shakes are not to your taste and make you feel ill, I think they should be able to be substituted with something just as low in calories and just as good for you, if not better (ie, good fresh vegetables).

    • They want to keep it simple an uncomplicated. I can’t eat the soups they make … they actually cause stomach distress (painful). Which was a drag since I actually liked them and they modified my diet so that I could eat two a day. I was happy, but now I can only drink bouilion between shakes to get my salty intake to the right level. YUCK. I whine. Thanks San for offering a great suggestion. I did cheat and have a low calorie soup today. I had too. I was dying. 🙂 It was about 120 calories or so … so not so bad.

  11. I think my comment went to your spam box? oops. Anyhoo, I wanted to say that I think you are far from “fat”, at least you don’t look it, and that when I think of someone who is diabetic I think of them as being extremely obese, doesn’t exercise, but then again I realized that is so far from the truth, look at Hale Berry, you are working hard, and I’m sure you’ll have it under control in no time.

    Having been a size 18 before, I understand what it feels and the hard work it takes to get to your set goal, I have always been fit (never over a size 6 but then, it happened), I got up to an 18 three times in my life, and it really wrecks havoc on your self-esteem (at least it did for me). It took me a half a year to get back to my regular self, but having “me” back was what kept me going, kept me working out everyday and of course being in the single digits.. swoon.

    • Thanks Elle! Your words are very kind. My very large was pushing the size 24 Womens World envelope to bursting. 🙂 I am now in a size 12 to 10 in regular womens and that feels great.

      I was morbidly obese. thankfully I am just overweight right now. 🙂 I keep going back and forth between obese and just overweight. If I get a little lower the meds won’t be an issue anymore.

      Thanks again for stopping by with such a thoughtful comment … you blessed me. 🙂

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