It is 5 pm, opening day of the play. Her back hurt; her feet were screaming get the heck off me, and her stomach joined the revolution by regurgitating lunch. “What’s a girl ta do?” She thought. Then, quickly scolding herself before pity had a chance raise its ugly head, “put on your happy face of course.” She told herself without much conviction, “The show must go on!” She would not let on to the audience that there is a hint of a problem. Besides, this was the moment she has dreamt of for years: she could not stop now; she could not let fear, stress, frustration, and simple physical torment stop her. This was her dream realized; her show MUST go on.
I sat here this morning, looking at this screen, wondering if I should be real or plaster on my happy face. I like being liked just like the next person. I like being victorious just like the next person. I like being positive, and, right now, I am completely positive that I am in a major funk, snit, or wild A$# bad mood. Not that this is actually new for my OptiFast experience — because I have always been hungry on the liquid fast. I tend to be very emotional and sometimes given to rages while on the formula. It works, and works well for losing IF you follow the instructions given by the doctors. I am having problems with the following instructions part.
I am totally NOT in the mood to drink all my meals. I am generally a happy person, but right now after cleaning up the egg that was sliding down the sink and refrigerator because it wouldn’t cook right in the pan, I am a VERY angry fat woman. Why were several eggs sliding down surfaces in my kitchen? Well, it was 30 minutes past my time to eat, and my blood sugars were raging and so was I, for several reasons.
- First, I had waited too long to eat because Mike wanted to do something else; he doesn’t get hungry quite as fast as I do (this is why we are not divorced, nor am I bruised in any fashion for showing my rumpass, but instead am here to tell you about it because he knows it is NOT a good idea to make me wait to eat).
- Second, I was starving (I mean stark-raving-mad-hungry). I did not want sugar food; I wanted savory food.
Wobbly and starving, I headed to the kitchen to cook; I had decided to eat real food. I was so hungry I could not stomach the idea of eating another sweet meal. It truly is not a good idea to wait to cook until I am in this state, because, if anything goes wrong when my blood sugars are that whacked out, I become a wild uncontrollable green monster. Yes, I become the HULK, ripping and shredding everything in my path, or I will eat everything in sight regardless of what it is–sometimes I do both.
Well, today, I lost my cool; I became the maniacal hulking monster, screaming a bucket load of wordy-durdes while hurling food, because my food kept sticking and being a jumbled mess in the pan. After the third attempt, I turned and looked wildly at Mike, who was standing quietly waiting for his wife to return, as I stuffed three slices of thinly sliced sandwich meat and a scrap of egg from the pan into my mouth, before I turned to grab a brick (pre-mixed OptiFast) from the fridge to calm the raging monster within. Growling, I stalked out of the room, leaving him standing alone with eggs and mushrooms sliding down the different surfaces of the kitchen.
In my defense, I did pick up some of the food stuffs … not all … because I was concerned with myself that I would just throw more food. Even in my wild moments (which I strive NEVER TO HAVE by eating on schedule) I work to control myself to limit the damage done. I know it is just blood sugar related and that none of what I am feeling is real … I just need food … and I will return to a normal person after about 30 minutes once food with some carbs is consumed. Then, I will feel bad if I have allowed myself to act as I did this morning or if I have allowed cruel words to escape my mouth to those I love. So I try just to “Howl at the Moon” (stealing a phrase from Ducky) and not at anyone, because I know it is painful for them to see me like this, and I don’t want to hurt their feelings to boot.
To be on the OptiFast plan has been to experience periods of extreme hunger (most people do not have this happen — almost NONE — in fact I have only known of one other person who was hungry). Most people on OptiFast are not overly active — I tend toward overly active. I love riding my bike for 60 or 80 miles — very painful to do on OptiFast — you are starving for DAYS — weeks even. I am not a nice person on those days. Please, do not think that I don’t respect the program or love it, because I do. I would recommend it over and over again. I would do it again. It is just hard if you like to train like I like to train. They do not recommend my level of exercise on the program; remember back in the beginning they cut me to 3 hours of exercise a week to get me started losing. It almost killed me. I was so happy with the weight loss though that I kept moving forward. I just wish I could have stayed on full formula so that instead of my 2 months of stagnation I would have made it to my goal and could be back to training (unfortunatly that wasn’t an option for me).
Being in the program up to this point has meant a postponement of my goals for participating in a race that I dearly wanted to be ready for in October. I gave up doing the race by myself and settled for doing it as a team with Mike again this year. However, weight loss has slugged along for the last two months, and now we are back to week one transition. OptiFast week one transition has meant physical weakness over the last week. Week one leaves me not only weak, but starving all day everyday if I train. I have to train now, or I will not be ready. Not participating in the race makes me madder than I know how to express. I’m really not sure that it is an option that I am willing to consider. It is a thought too painful to bear. This fact makes me torn in my desire to lose weight at this time via OptiFast.
I don’t want to eat crazy and blow all my hard work, but I am sick-and-tired of being weak and starving. I have been like this for six months, and I am so over it that I have started talking in a scream all day everyday (Mike asked if I was writing this post in all caps–cuz that is how I talk about it — in a scream).
This is why my posts have not been happy. I am not happy. I am angry. Angry because I want to pursue two conflicting goals. I don’t want to give up either of them. I want to lose weight. I want to train. I feel trapped with no win-win situation to choose from. I have only the Win-Lose of staying on Optifast plan where I win by losing weight, but lose my chance to enter the race. OR … I have the option of Lose-Win of the race where I take a big risk of not losing while training and gain the win of participating in the race. If I could train and not have my weight go above the 180s, I would be very happy with going that route for the next two and half months, but there is the chance I could gain into the 190s or up to 200, and I am not sure how I would deal with that stressor.
Which of these two options is worse or better? I have no idea. Would gaining be any worse than suffering through the hunger and moodiness of a mostly liquid diet? That question is very hard for me to answer and why I have been in a snit for the better part of a week. I know Fat smoker 2 Ironman (who just did an amazing job in a Tri Race–WTG Martin!), DesiValentine, and several others would understand my addiction to my workouts and training. It truly is an addiction. It is also a happy pill, but you do need to eat in order to keep going and be happy at the same time. Hard workouts with no food make Shonnie a very angry girl–just sayin. I know I have done mega activity with all liquid, but not without angry tirades: I just didn’t post about them much. I almost died when Dr. Ard told me in the beginning I would have to quit my workout schedule. Never in my wildest dreams would I have figured that I would still be waiting to train. NEVER. So I pout. Stone me! — OK — not really. I hurt enough already. 😉
Forgive me. I hope to return to normal soon. I am just wrestling with myself and with my choices; sadly, this has been oozing out out in my writing (Ok, so my ooze is more like how water would “ooze” out of a major crack in the Hoover Dam). There is one thing that you can be sure of: I will never give in; I will never give up; and I will never quit. I don’t believe those are options.
On a positive note, I figure after all that I should give you at least ONE positive. Hehe … I am down in weight, somewhere around 184-ish according to my scales. This makes me think of cruz2lose post the other day regarding “positive notes” … she had this to say:
Oh yes, the positives…we must include the positives. The glass is half full approach is sure to help you on your weight loss journey. I am positive that somebody has been drinking out of my glass and that is why it is half empty. Do NOT let your glass be half full. Be kind to yourself and reward yourself with something small (not food) for each goal that you meet. And if somebody is drinking out of your glass and making your glass empty, perhaps you could have a nice chat with them about it or……Maybe you could just drop them off on an island somewhere! ; )
Well, I need to quit writing; I am hungry, and I really do not want a repeat performance of my egg mainia … so off to make a YUMMY SHAKE! Gag! …S