Weigh In #32


Am I a LOSER or a GAINER?

Neither.

I am not in the mood to chat today.  There will be no charts today.  Why?  Because I really have nothing to say that could be construed as good.  I am not in a good humor.  I am back making the same choice I worked through weeks ago before Dr. Ard changed my mind.  I hate repeating painful activities, making this choice means hours of counting my costs all over again.  Do I want to race, do I want to lose?  Yes, to both. Today, in spite of what my scales said here at home, I remained the same 186 pounds.  No movement.  You could say that was a good thing, I’m not really feeling that one today.  I would be happy if I had been eating and training, but I am only sort of training and only sort of eating.  When you add to the stalling scales the fact that I am constantly starving it makes for a bad disposition, and takes me right back decision making time.

I am not in the mood to make an another decision.  I don’t want to eat shakes anymore, but I want to lose.  If I work to lose I can’t have my race, I just have to go back to a gimpy body and back pain with reduced exercise schedule.  I already gave up my Century race in NYC because I couldn’t train for it and lose, only I didn’t lose.  I already gave up my desire to run, bike, row the race for just riding and rowing as a part of a team of Mike running, and both of us rowing together.  Now, I am faced with lose or race.  I am tired of giving up my life.  The diet has become my life and I am starting to hate my life.  How long can I go on feeling this way.  NOT a good place to be.

 

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13 thoughts on “Weigh In #32

  1. Hmm in reading most of the comments here I don’t know what else I can say!! You look gorgeous and you are such a beautiful person inside and out! Is there any other diet that the doctor approves of? I hope you can figure it out soon!!

  2. Shonnie!!
    Dont give up! You have came a really long way! You are such an inspiration to all of us, even to me 🙂 Maybe you need a diet change up?? Something that is new… something that you can manage, that wont make you feel like you’re starving? My doctor told me it is really about proportions and not to over do it. Don’t eat a meat that is bigger than your fist, and basically take a whole meal and split it up for the whole day… I hope that makes sense.. like Meat, veggies, Dessert (only in the mornings) and salad.. but nothing over fist size. I have to get back to doing this due to me fighting with meds that made me constantly hungry!
    Anyway,
    Dont give up for what you are fighting for. Find out what makes you happy and inspire yourself to keep going. You can do it.. I know you can 🙂

    • Jumpin’~~ PROMISE I am NOT giving up AT ALL. I am just trying to do what you suggested, weighing out the pros and cons of a diet change. That change scares me. I want to keep losing. The problem is I am not losing and I am gagging on my shakes. Making myself stick to mostly shakes is making me fold on my diet controls altogether.

      I will NEVER give up fighting … it is just a matter of will I change it up for a bit. Just so you understand, if I change up my eating — I will up my exercise to 2 to 3 hours a day maybe more. It is a shift in focus. That might cause a MUSCLE weight gain. That is emotionally hard to deal with, but looks WAY better on my body than flappy skin.

      Thank you so much for your sweet words. They blessed my heart. You have no idea!! Thanks and Thanks again. 😀

  3. Oh Shonnie!!!! I get how frustrated you are feeling – I really do! 😦 However… (you know I’m going to say something positive here so if you really don’t want to hear it – look away NOW!) I’ve been stuck and trapped – that’s how it felt… on many a standstill recently – only the way I have come to view it is… it’s like maintaining – it’s practice maintanence – for one week 😉 I read that on Ms Bitchcakes blog literally years ago lol and at the time I didn’t get it – but I do now!

    If you really can’t bear the shakes – could you think about Jenny Craig for a month? That’s your equivalent of my Diet Chef 🙂 you get three calorie counted meals a day and a snack – the weight loss is considerably slower – but you can exercise, eat and still shift the weight!

    You’re so close Shonnie and even if you stopped right where you are – you look absolutely stunning! Don’t be sad or mad 🙂 I adore you to bits – we absolutely all do!!! You inspire us to keep going when the going gets tough!!!

    Do what makes you feel most happy!!! Listen to your intuition!

    xxx ❤ xxx

    • Thanks Dizi! I know you know how nuts I feel. I am trying to look at this standing still that way, and if I could exercise to my hearts content then I would be very happy indeed. That was a great thing you learned and shared from Ms. Bitch Cakes! Very wise words indeed.

      I had another food plan in mind that the doc nixed. Not because it was a bad plan, but because he wanted me to push for goal. It has been almost 7 months of mostly shakes … I have to tell you the thought of it makes me nuts right now.

      Thank YOU so much girl for saying that I look great, you are too sweet! 😀 I am going to keep going, it is just a matter of how I am going to keep going.

      I have eaten completely off diet today. I mean completely. Just the thought of eating just shakes makes me revolt inside. I think I am going to have to go with my plan for a while just to stop feeling nuts. … at least I think that is what I will do. Gosh I feel goofy right now. 😀

  4. Follow your inner wisdom but I as reading an article that said many people don’t stick with what works for long enough to have great success. (Obviously you have already had success but it seems you are striving for great success) Variety is the spice of life but consistency and doggedness are the attributes of greatness. (Chinese fortune cookie) 🙂

    I just bailed out of a race and instead upped my core exercises big time. I have pretty good cardio but wanted to take it to the next level and start hitting the core. I am getting my CORE ON! 🙂 This is a lifetime deal. So for perspective just realize you are EVER learning and continually moving upward and onward! Just think…Now things are great compared to where they were….greater health, greater freedom of movemnent, great joy and greater pain. More human. I can’t wait until you reach your next plateau and your next! Just think next year..wow…and the next year…oh my! 🙂

    • Greg,

      What you just stated about not sticking with it long enough to see great success is what has had me spinning. That is why I have been in such a state. I am afraid that might be what could happen. I just can’t make myself pick up the shakes. They make me sick.

      I was thinking of doing Atkins induction or paleo for a couple of weeks to try and get myself reoriented so that I could stomach drinking shakes again. That had been my plan, before the doc nixed it. Not to go “off” diet, but just a change in diet so that I could still workout, while staying mostly on track. I had the caveat that if I should get to 190 — back to the shakes I would go. For me to get to goal with the shakes the MINIMUM time I would have to be on them would be another 3 months. That overwhelms my brain right now. It makes me want to run screaming into the distance.

      I feel as though I am at a burn out stage and pushing through it might not be possible–at this time–without some sort of break. I don’t want to feel the way I do right now … it is leaving me vulnerable to system failure–emotionally.

      I just have to make a decision and I will be fine. I can’t wait for the next one too. 🙂 That will mean I got through this one! hehe!

      Thank you so much for talking with me about it. Helps me to hear what you are thinking. Thanks. 🙂

  5. Shonnie,

    I have been following your continued frustration. I hate to say I know how you feel. Follow your heart and know your choices are for YOU!!!!! Life has changed for me over the last year as you know. I wish some one had more answers for you. I am praying for you!!!! You have done an awesome job and should be so proud of yourself!!!! REALLY, you should be very proud!!!! I try to live everyday as if It is my last……. Say what I mean and mean what I say!!!! Mike loves you no matter what & will love you with the choice you make!!!! Hang in there, you are beautiful!!!!!!

    Love ya,
    Cammie

    • Cammie,

      You are so sweet. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and encourage me. I so appreciate your taking the time drop by at my moment of frustration and share kind words and prayers with me. It makes me tear up, with happy tears.

      Thank you so much Cammie … love you back! Will you be at the reunion?

  6. Patience young startrooper! 🙂 How far you have come….you are great! The necessity of plateaus are times to gather your forces in all areas of life….balanced you are….Gratitude for your progress….blessed you are…Victory is not always to the fastest or strongest but to the determined ones who practice daily with persisitence. You passions are gathering force to take you to the next level….a passionate person you are…. You are on your way! ( Not sure if that is how Yoga speaks but oh well….:)

    Congrats for reaching a major plateau…means you are making progress!!!!! 🙂

    • Greg that was great! I smiled so big my cheek cramped! haha!

      I just don’t know if I can keep drinking my food. I am floundering with the choices, I know I will not quit working and pressing forward. IT is just a question of if I will take a bit off to try and train and not worry about the scales … still eat clean and healthy … just eat.

      Thank you so much for making me smile. I needed that! 🙂

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