I am not in the mood to chat today. There will be no charts today. Why? Because I really have nothing to say that could be construed as good. I am not in a good humor. I am back making the same choice I worked through weeks ago before Dr. Ard changed my mind. I hate repeating painful activities, making this choice means hours of counting my costs all over again. Do I want to race, do I want to lose? Yes, to both. Today, in spite of what my scales said here at home, I remained the same 186 pounds. No movement. You could say that was a good thing, I’m not really feeling that one today. I would be happy if I had been eating and training, but I am only sort of training and only sort of eating. When you add to the stalling scales the fact that I am constantly starving it makes for a bad disposition, and takes me right back decision making time.
I am not in the mood to make an another decision. I don’t want to eat shakes anymore, but I want to lose. If I work to lose I can’t have my race, I just have to go back to a gimpy body and back pain with reduced exercise schedule. I already gave up my Century race in NYC because I couldn’t train for it and lose, only I didn’t lose. I already gave up my desire to run, bike, row the race for just riding and rowing as a part of a team of Mike running, and both of us rowing together. Now, I am faced with lose or race. I am tired of giving up my life. The diet has become my life and I am starting to hate my life. How long can I go on feeling this way. NOT a good place to be.