OUCH … I bit myself!

Yeah ... I was lovin' life this day! 🙂

Can you say … S.O.R.E.?

O.U.C.H.!  I have to tell you that I KICKED MY BUTT, and Donna seriously finished me off.  Every time Mike touches me I scream out in agony–not exactly the effect he hopes to create from a touch.  Sometimes, I think he is a sadist, because he laughs with gusto when I am like this.  Then, he proceeds to massage my inflamed flesh, supposedly to make me feel better, but he laughs heartily the whole time he is making me scream … so … I am not exactly sure about his motives.  In fairness, I must confess, that I am laughing in between the screams. I know this pain will bring with it strength, so I gladly inflict myself over and over again.

Something about that sounds nuts when you write it out, but it is the truth.  I love the gain from this pain.  I will seek to do this to myself over and over again for the rest of my life.  I wonder, do I love this place of pain–even though I whine about it–because it makes me feel alive?  Do I love the push of extremely exhausting activities because it makes me feel … real … vibrant … animated?  I think it has something to do with my desire to constantly be moving.  Then, there is the lovely high that comes from this protracted activity.  I just had an epiphany … the truth of this matter is … I have found my drug of choice.  I have always called cycling my happy pill.  Duh … sometimes I am slow.  🙂

This explains why I get violently angry and behave as if I am a two year old when I think of delaying participating in such activities.  My old psychology professor, indicated that he believed that each person–if they found ‘their’ drug, that thing/drug/activity which brings peace and calm–will become addicted.  So am I addicted to activity?  Let us look at what About.com say’s are the signs of addiction (why am I using them instead of a psychology expert?  They are easier to get too–I am lazy and do not wish to leave my prone position to fetch my books on this subject).

  • Tolerance – the need to engage in the addictive behavior more and more to get the desired effect
  • Withdrawal – happens when the person does not take the substance or engage in the activity, and they experience unpleasant symptoms, which are often the opposite of the effects of the addictive behavior
  • Difficulty cutting down or controlling the addictive behavior
  • Social, occupational or recreational activities becoming more focused around the addiction, and important social and occupational roles being jeopardized
  • The person becoming preoccupied with the addiction, spending a lot of time on planning, engaging in, and recovering from the addictive behavior

I think it is plainly obvious that I am addicted.  I do long constantly for more.  Just take what I wrote to myself today:

I am in pain and it is BEAUTIFUL outside …Oh how I want to go play … I long to be outside like I imagine one would long for a drug.  Sadly, all I can do is gimp around my bright sunlit home, and long with envy the sun’s enlivening kiss on my skin.  OH…. How I covet a walk in its brilliant light.  I yearn for the profit of peace garnered from a leisurely stroll in its warmth.  This is not to be my lot today.  Such a gamble, taking a stroll in the sun, could leave me stranded on the side of a hill for a lengthy stretch of time rolling and whining publicly–all dignity lost.  S.I.G.H.

Withdrawal?  Well, just think how long it has taken me to come to a conclusion about continuing on with my weight loss goals or pursuing my athletic goals.  It is killing me to even think about giving up my desires to be at Martindale and NYC Century Ride.  Let me start talking about it and I go ballistic.  Poor Mikey!  This also goes with my life revolving more and more around this type activity.  The good thing with my activity (cycling, run/walking/kayaking/swimming/hiking) addiction it actually makes the rest of my life and work progress with more fluidity and skill.  BIG plus not to be stressed out.

I know you can see that I am preoccupied with my addiction — today I am recovering from my addictive behavior.  I have to tell you … I will be doing this until the day I die.  I will never be able to give this up.  🙂  I love how it makes me feel … so there!  Now, you know, I am addicted to Tri-athletic type sports even though I will most-probably-NEVER (I know bad grammar) do them well enough to place.  I will do these activities with all the excellence that I posses-and that Will be good enough to fill my heart with joy and peace.  🙂

In case you wondered I am still hanging in limbo about what to do with my year.  I cannot abide going through my life without making a decision; I feel that when you avoid making a decision you have chosen failure for your life.  Even the wrong choice is better than no choice at all.  Given this opinion of mine … I must make a choice.  I have lingered long enough.

I think ... I really think ... I am gonna keep on supporting my addiction, even with a bigger tummy. hehe 🙂

I really hate the way my tummy feels and there is NO real proof that training will help with that (I am going off past experience).  So, I am eating right, lifting hard, running/walking, and Reforming my abused body this week as hard as I possibly can to see where I end up next weigh in.  *If* my puffy tummy and my ill fitting clothes are not bothering me as bad, then I am going for training.  Life is meant for living, playing, loving, giving, and experiencing with all your heart, mind, will, and strength.  This life is the only shot we get; I intend on soaking up every moment I am able.

So … yeah … I bit myself, and I will continue to do so.  I know I got problems, but I don’t plan on fixin’ them.  I love experiencing life.    😉

What are you going to do with this year you have been given?  Heck … lets break it down to today … what cha gonna do today with this wonderful blessing you have been given?   Will you waste it with fluff, or will you spend it extravagantly enjoying your life with yourself and those you love?

Blessing …S

16 thoughts on “OUCH … I bit myself!

  1. Pingback: Friend of a Stranger « Joe's Primal Scream

  2. I really want to go on a bike ride with you. I think you would be a hoot. And what better to do for rides that go on longer than an hour. Move to California Shonnie. It is sunny here.

  3. You are a tough chick, babe. Life throws you curve balls on the achievement of your goals, and you step back, shake yourself off, and attack again. You will win, even if is challenging.

  4. Ok…if this is a photo of you in the red top….you have some serious mental issues. WHAT BIG TUMMY???????????????? Are you blind??

    • Jueseppi — you made me crack up. 🙂 THANKS! Yes that is me in the orange/red top. I must confess, I am smart enough NOT to take a picture with the problem areas HIGHLIGHTED! Hehe! If I could just see myself from the front I would be FINE! It is the side view that gets me, and, then there is point of my being diabetic which causes the concern about my tummy issues.

      It is the tummy area that feeds that diabetes problem. When I can get it to flatten out I have LESS NEED FOR MEDS. Which is a major goal and why things are so complicated. I really hope that weight at least stays static and that the tummy flattens out some so I can just move forward with exercise goals.

      • As I said…you woman, are blind. But i wish you great success in reaching your goal. {shaking head at women, and their body image issues}

      • Honestly, Jueseppi, it takes a bit of getting used to being smaller. I lost around 100 pounds last year and I am still getting adjusted to everything. There are body image issues right now–hope they fade soon. 🙂

      • Think about it this way…you’re a beautiful woman and you are a size a LOT of women would kill to be. You are an inspiration to a lot of women who want to lose 100 pounds. Focus less on your “tummy” and more of what you have accomplished. You’ll get where you want, and soon.

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