Today is one of those days.
The days you dread.
The days that make breathing hard, much less living. To top that off with a cherry on top–I broke my tooth and can’t really chew. Oh … yea!
Today is one of those days where you don’t want to be bothered with doing what you need to do on any level. Yes, I am eating mostly good … but my strategic effort to pummel the Grumpster has lost its appeal. Going out for a walk or doing anything really is a chore. I am winning just to eat mostly on plan, and not just grab a big plate of mashed potatoes, or make potato soup. But my super heightened push for the “Win” isn’t there.
Why? I cannot really go into the reasons, because they are personal to many who are not as open as I.
My heart is breaking. There is nothing I can do, but sit on the sidelines and be witness to the aftermath of horrible choices that I have not made, but will rip the very will to keep on living right out of my soul. Yet, I must live. I must desire to push forward. Because if I do not, fight-push-will myself to LIVE–I will only create heartache for those who care for me, and break their hearts with my selfish actions to stop fighting my good fight.
I know … I know … If I keep fighting the good fight, and do not give up I will be rewarded in due time … oh … but my heart is weary and wishes to lie down and break.
Please, don’t be afraid for me. I am strong. This is just a part of my life … this is just how my life is, and will be until the end … of what I cannot say aloud. I dare not think it … but I do … God help me. I have accepted this horrible part of my life. Yet … each time I deal with this problem it hurts so horribly bad, as if I did not know it were a possibility. I know I can do nothing that will change anything… except to pray. Pray I will, because it has postponed the horrible coming for so very long. So, I will pray. I will believe for the best, even thought I know the worst is likely possible, and almost definite to press its horrid stench upon my life–save a miracle. I do believe in miracles. I do.
That belief in miracles is what will cause me to stand up tomorrow and rejoice in the sunshine, and the beauty of God’s creation. To rejoice in the love of my beloved husband. To rejoice in the perfect love of a child–mine–and their children. There are so many things to be thankful for. I am a rich woman in the things money cannot buy. These are the thing that will cause my broken heart to sing again … most likely even some this evening. Still …
One must grab the little joys that present themselves along life’s way … because life is hard. Life is short, and then one passes away. So … one must cherish every beautiful moment that comes … savor it … languor in its beauty and grace … because there is no promise of what tomorrow will hold. But for this moment … my heartbreaks. It cries out why. It longs for peace and a promise of perfection (something life never is).
Forgive me … I started not to share … but these emotions are a part of the reality of pressing in for a healthy life. This is not a perfect moment for me. I don’t have the desire to be perfect about anything … but I will wobble through this to my good end. I say this by faith. Why couldn’t I have been skinnier–where it wouldn’t cost so much if I just wanted to binge out?? Well, … probably to make me stay the course, and keep caring for myself. Even in the midst of pain one must care for oneself.
This is my lesson. I am important. No matter what is going on in life … I must care for me. I must choose life everyday…no matter how hard it is to choose it. I must choose joy when I would rather fall on the ground and scream in agony. I am valuable. I count. I mean something to those who love me … I cannot let them down even when it would be so much easier just to run away.
So I must get up off my bed of sorrow, and begin my packing for another trip to the beach for work.
Life is good even when it rains. From the rain all good things grow and come to life.