Life has been stormy down here in the deep south of the scale to match the chaos of my own trials and tribulations. Violent, brooding, and life threatening. So far as I can tell, most of my high school buddies, and family have survived the weather in Louisiana and Mississippi without too much harm–for this I am very grateful. I don’t think I could take many more problems or sadness at this particular moment in my life.
I have no appetite–yet I eat or try to. If do not eat, I am meaner than circumstances would generally make me behave–and the “stuff” I’m dealin’ with would make most sweeties meanies. This stormy season of my existence has been long and agonizing–not the worst I have ever endured, but pretty darn close. I struggle for normalcy, order, definition of my person and my world. Yet, understanding of “HOW” to do this alludes me.
I sat today wishing I could cry. I don’t cry easily. I couldn’t cry. Tears choke in my throat even though they are not issued from that part of my physical anatomy. I long to spew out all that is on my mind–cleansing myself of the burden that I must carry quietly. Alas, I cannot vomit the whole of what is going on in my life. Sharing but a part of my pain caused fellows to run. Remember the other day? I guess that’s what counselors are for. (if you are curious what I am talking about–You can read about that by clicking here.)
Not crying made me GRUMPY and ANGRY. I always get angry when I can’t cry–when I am powerless to make change–when I know I am stuck without apparent choices. I want to scream at the moon or howl like a lone wolf.
If only I could be a wild animal allowed to rage against the enemies in my life and destroy them utterly.
(JUST in case you are wondering the enemies are NOT people–they rarely are–just horrible situations)
I had an epiphany–let me share it with you (if you follow on FB you can skip this part):
I got up and Breathed.
That might seem lame to you, but today that is Victory.
I am, and that is enough.
I don’t have to prove to myself that I am a winner by beating down my flesh with a workout
(even though that is one of my favorite things to do).
I am just me today, and that is enough.
I have decided that I can love me when I need to move slow.
I can love me when I need to move fast.
I can love me when I have to work it hard or when I need to just breathe.
That is what got me through this morning and afternoon. Spending time with Mikey will help for this evening. Tomorrow will be another day filled with new pains–Mike is flying away to be with ill family. Being separated from him, at this point in our struggles, feels as though someone has taken my will for life and joy away. I will be fine and so will he–still it is painful for both of us to be apart. Sadly, this is the way it HAS to be, there was no other option–I hate limitations.
Confession time: what all am I NOT doing at this juncture in my dieting life?
- I’m not journaling
- I don’t think I am drinking enough water–I can never remember.
- My attitude kinda sucks
- I don’t want to workout–still mostly going–or at least for a walk.
- There are probably more, but I can’t remember that either
- I have no idea how much fat, carb, or protein ratio anything is
- I don’t even know how many meals I am eating a day
- What is worse I don’t flipin’ care–most of the time
My neck hurts, my back is better, my legs are swollen (probably from lack-o-exercise), my shoulders hurt when I use my arms. Yea me (if you detected sarcasm–you are spot on). I can lift weights lightly, but not if I hurt at all–until cleared by the doc. They said I have an abnormally high tolerance for pain (that kinda seems a prerequisite to live my life–just sayin). They said that I am strong in-spite of all my boo boos. I guess these are all very good things given my current conditions.
I tried to be “normal’ (what the BLANK is that anyway?? Normal) today and cook a meal–since I have not done that for the better part of a week. I got my timing off and the dinner MIGHT be ready by 10 pm. hahahaha! Gotta love me. I am trying the meal I shared with you all the other day Honey Ginger Apple Shredded Pork. I will let you know how it turns out.
I’m trying to move and eat wisely. I am still getting on the scale and keeping up with my weight–don’t want things to get out of hand and have a BIGGER problem on my hands.
See you all later …. Gators–hope none of my Louisiana folks meet up with any of those mean critters–with all the high waters.