I have been battling depression.
Why have I been depressed? Too many changes. I do not know which way is up in my life of late. My life is good. I have a loving husband. Great kids. Fabo grandkids. Still my heart is heavy.
- My children moved home (into my house with my grandchild)–good and stressful.
- I started gaining weight when I started lifting (that is what I thought)–stressful and depressing, nothing good there.
- We started working down on the coast–beautiful, lovely, and STRESSFUL. I can barely keep up with where I am.
- I gain another clump of weight–massively stressful and depressing. Figure out it was my hormones causing the weight gain. I get the gaining to stop, but not go back down.
- Mike’s father passes–terribly stressful.
- Then my Aunt passes–terribly stressful
- Just as I get back from my Aunts funeral, the landlord of our apartment texts us that we must move out–STRESSFUL.
- We find a place, we love it, but it costs more. There will be more room when family is there–super great, but also STRESS because of the added costs.
- None of my NON-Super-Hyper focused attempts at losing have worked. I stay mostly the same weight since getting off hormones, but nothing moving in the right (downward) direction.
There is not really a great way to spin what has been going on with me. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to do anything. Why? I hate getting dressed to go somewhere, because I am in my “FAT” clothes and they are almost too tight. I feel uncomfortable–PERIOD. I’m ashamed of going backwards. I do not wish to be seen–the shock on folks face–the disappointment that I have gained. I know I look good at this weight. That isn’t the issue–the issue is–I am back in the OBESE category so this is not where I want to be. I know the BMI stats are ridiculously low. It doesn’t take into account muscle or much of anything else–skinny doesn’t always equal healthy.
I HATE going BACKWARDS. Even if it is in my car. If I have to turn around and go back over ground already crossed I become belligerent. Just ask my hubby. I am angry that NOTHING works. Everything I am doing, that is moderate or reasonable, is not working for weight loss. I don’t want to go back to the stinkin’ extreme eating so that I can lose. I am sick of HYPER FOCUS. I just want to live.
The problem is … my body won’t do the small, normal changes and let go of weight. I have to hyper focus. I have to be extreme to get an inch of ground. I am ANGRY. I have to accept that I am going to HAVE to go back over this ground to move forward. I know I will move forward. I just FLIPPIN’ don’t wanna do the blasted work necessary!
Every single step towards what I want feels as though my feet are mired in cement. I am heavy. Weighted. Drug out and aggravated. I don’t want to write — cuz who wants to read the rants of an angry fat woman? I can be just as negative as I am positive. I can drag in the mud and dirt with the best of them. I just don’t like it. I don’t like sounding like a brat. I wish there was something I could tear up, break down, or blow up so that I could feel vindicated.
I trust God. I know I will win. I just have to make up my mind what I am going to do, for those of you who know me–know–when I get my mind made up … it is all over but the doin’. Right now I am in the raging state of mind. I am pissed off that I have to go through this again. I have tried to avoid it. That isn’t gonna happen. I am going to have to go through all this yet again. I am MAD about it. I am ANGRY. I want to hurt something for this. I don’t know what … so far I haven’t been able to come up with a blasted thing that wouldn’t cost me more to hurt it than it would give release.
So … off I trudge into the sunlight to walk and get my body moving. Have a blessed day. Even though I have a sour face … I mean it.