I have been battling depression.

Why have I been depressed?  Too many changes.  I do not know which way is up in my life of late.  My life is good.  I have a loving husband.  Great kids.  Fabo grandkids.  Still my heart is heavy.

  • My children moved home (into my house with my grandchild)–good and stressful.
  • I started gaining weight when I started lifting (that is what I thought)–stressful and depressing, nothing good there.
  • We started working down on the coast–beautiful, lovely, and STRESSFUL.  I can barely keep up with where I am.
  • I gain another clump of weight–massively stressful and depressing.  Figure out it was my hormones causing the weight gain.  I get the gaining to stop, but not go back down.
  • Mike’s father passes–terribly stressful.
  • Then my Aunt passes–terribly stressful
  • Just as I get back from my Aunts funeral, the landlord of our apartment texts us that we must move out–STRESSFUL.
  • We find a place, we love it, but it costs more.  There will be more room when family is there–super great, but also STRESS because of the added costs.
  • None of my NON-Super-Hyper focused attempts at losing have worked.  I stay mostly the same weight since getting off hormones, but nothing moving in the right (downward) direction.

There is not really a great way to spin what has been going on with me.  I don’t want to go to the gym.  I don’t want to go out.  I don’t want to do anything.  Why? I hate getting dressed to go somewhere, because I am in my “FAT” clothes and they are almost too tight.  I feel uncomfortable–PERIOD.  I’m ashamed of going backwards.  I do not wish to be seen–the shock on folks face–the disappointment that I have gained.  I know I look good at this weight.  That isn’t the issue–the issue is–I am back in the OBESE category so this is not where I want to be. I know the BMI stats are ridiculously low.  It doesn’t take into account muscle or much of anything else–skinny doesn’t always equal healthy.

I HATE going BACKWARDS.  Even if it is in my car.  If I have to turn around and go back over ground already crossed I become belligerent.  Just ask my hubby.  I am angry that NOTHING works. Everything I am doing, that is moderate or reasonable, is not working for weight loss.  I don’t want to go back to the stinkin’ extreme eating so that I can lose.  I am sick of HYPER FOCUS.  I just want to live.

The problem is … my body won’t do the small, normal changes and let go of weight.  I have to hyper focus.  I have to be extreme to get an inch of ground.  I am ANGRY.  I have to accept that I am going to HAVE to go back over this ground to move forward.  I know I will move forward.  I just FLIPPIN’ don’t wanna do the blasted work necessary!

Every single step towards what I want feels as though my feet are mired in cement.  I am heavy.  Weighted.  Drug out and aggravated.  I don’t want to write — cuz who wants to read the rants of an angry fat woman?  I can be just as negative as I am positive.  I can drag in the mud and dirt with the best of them.  I just don’t like it.  I don’t like sounding like a brat.  I wish there was something I could tear up, break down, or blow up so that I could feel vindicated.

I trust God.  I know I will win.  I just have to make up my mind what I am going to do, for those of you who know me–know–when I get my mind made up … it is all over but the doin’.  Right now I am in the raging state of mind.  I am pissed off that I have to go through this again.  I have tried to avoid it.  That isn’t gonna happen.  I am going to have to go through all this yet again.  I am MAD about it.  I am ANGRY.  I want to hurt something for this.  I don’t know what … so far I haven’t been able to come up with a blasted thing that wouldn’t cost me more to hurt it than it would give release.

So … off I trudge into the sunlight to walk and get my body moving.  Have a blessed day.  Even though I have a sour face … I mean it.

11 thoughts on “Depression

  1. It is totally understandable that you are feeling this way Shonnie!! Heck I have no idea how I would cope if all this was going on!!
    Stressful times will pass and you are a gorgeous, awesome and strong chick! I know you will make it through the other side!! xxx

  2. Lets face it, you’ve had more than enough to give anyone a dose of the glooms, and all over a short period of time. There is much good advice in the comments above. What I can offer you is my warmest good wishes. You have a loving family and husband and they will help see you through. I always admire the way you face up to life, and what you have made of yours. Moving home, and dealing with finances is no fun I know. I’m rooting for you. You know that. Hope you and your family have a brilliant Thanksgiving. You deserve it.

  3. Ohhhhh there is my answer to my previous question!!! That big black dog!!! Shonnie I can pretty much identify with everything you said – my best friend’s Mum, died recently and the funeral was last Friday – out of all the things you’ve mentioned, I think losing someone you love and care about is the absolutely hardest thing to deal with. You need to re-group! Figure out the best way forward – it will come to you, I completely believe that – you have transformed over the past couple of years and we both know how good it feels – we don’t want to undo all that amazing work – so you know what? We WONT! We might have a bit of a blip here and there, but we’re GORGEOUS and we’re staying GORGEOUS!!!!!!! ha! I mean it!!!! Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

    • Love you girl! Thank you for being there. You are super big blessing. 😀 The son moving back home has been super awesome and super hard all at the same time. He is the one with the brain injury and … WOW … the challenges somedays are hard to think through, much less regroup. 🙂 Too big deaths this year have been hard to plow through. You are right … never going back. No matter how much work it takes to keep me from going back there.

      • always here in my heart – eventually in practical terms of logging in lol

        You have come so far and it’s not just in weight loss terms – back peddling is a worthless task – forward peddling… now that’s what gets you there 😀 We can’t do anything about certain things – like losing people we love – but we can aim to be the best we can as we carry the torch and keep on running (living)

        Diet wise I’ve had a good week but it hasn’t been without its struggles but one thing is for sure – I already feel gorgeous and I’ve only been back at it for just over a week lol 😉 I promise you it’s all worth it!!!! xxx

  4. ((((hugs)))) Most of us can totally relate, even though some of the circumstances aren’t exactly the same. I haven’t had the desire to do much of anything at time since my Dad passed 3 months ago….some days are good, some are ok & I try to “fake it til I make it”, but others just plain out suck & I don’t care to even try to fake it. I think the lesson is we can only do what we can do & beating ourselves up over it will only make it worse (at least it does for me). We need to keep praying & focusing on God, craving Him instead of food or whatever (I just started reading Made to Crave). Praying for you my sweet friend – you are beautiful inside & out, even on days you don’t feel it !!
    ❤ ya !!

    • Amen to that Angie. I knew you could understand. This has been a tough year for quite a few of our number. My heart aches for all who have lost those so dear. It would be so wonderful if we could understand how fleeting the moments are while we have the time to cherish them. Love you. Sometimes I can fake it and sometimes I just can’t. This was one of those times. thanks for just loving me anyway. 🙂 It makes a huge difference.

  5. Shonnie, Dad’s death has been hitting me really hard at this holiday time even though we did nothing special except spend it together and watch football. even that was a blessing…..I understand your depression…all I have is pain, physical, mental, emotional….when does any of this get better. Very hard day and days ahead. Blessings …enjoy the youth of your family and grandkids it goes fast!

    • This much I know Nancy. I see it slipping away fast. I savor the moments we share together. Love you. Wish that I could take away your pain, but alas, your pain is mine as well. Dad will be greatly missed. We are not far away. 🙂

  6. Among your lists of stresses, there are certain things you can’t do anything about than what you are doing-coping as best you can. It seems like you’ve been hit with a number of losses and changes (which are losses, too). But with each change comes opportunities.

    The one stress you can do something about is to stop worrying about your weight. Stress creates something biochemical in your body that makes you hang on to calories–something about survival. It’s part of your biology and mine. It’s not your fault so, if you can, let it go just for now. You have enough to deal with. Don’t beat yourself up about your body weight. If you let go of that stress, maybe, just maybe, your body will let go of some of those pounds.

    I wish you some measure of peace this and every day…

    • Thanks Lorna. I could use a measure of peace everyday. I went for a walk to help with some of this. Right now … the stress of the new move and expenses are making me slightly nuts.

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