I saw this photo today and it touched my angry side.
Why? Well, you remember the last post I wrote, Are You (click link if you wanna read the short post), about how I measure up in my own mind. This … this photo touches on the why of that post. I want my body to look lean and muscled. Work for those goals. Still, not seeing the reward of my hard work. Don’t get me wrong … I look better than I have in years. There are a number of reasons that I might not be getting the results or the vision I had in my mind when I started this journey.
The reasons I might be having a touch of trouble getting where I want to go:
- I’m about to turn 50 (not that I using that an excuse to stop–just might have an effect)
- I was over weight for a long time — skin just can’t retract that much after so long without help from a doc. Even if I had the money I’m not sure I would go for the surgeries. I am working on the courage for that. I am a surgery weenie.
- My diet might be off still for building muscle and looking lean–I’m working on that one though.
The “What” I am doing that should be helping me along my path:
- I workout 5 to 6 days a week and try hard to walk even on my rest day.
- I lift at least 2 of those days
- I am working on my diet — looking like I might have a good one right now — let you know in about a month.
- I try to mix things up in my exercise: lift heavy, walk, sprint, cycle, and do body weight exercises to keep my body guessing. Trainer Nazi is part of that. 😀 Love you Donna.
I am often told that I am not a very angry — Angry Fat Woman. Honestly, I am, very angry … angry with my body. Angry that I have had to struggle so long. And not just the last two years I have written this blog, but the whole 20 years that I have battled the rapid weight gain. For years I worked my butt off–just to be fat. I ate less–Just to be fat. Right now I am going through another battle of this sort. Not as bad as in the past, but still–I’M ANGRY! If I were to honestly express the ANGER that I feel on this written page it would create terrific heartbreak for those I love. So … I just smile … think shark … and laugh while I am battling my anger and pain. I scream and rant with Mike–he loves me and understands my anger. Thankfully, with him I can be openly raw angry–it is very ugly–and he not love me less. I am mostly angry at things within myself. My the struggle against the odds. The struggle that often does not seem rewarded to my level of effort.
So, why am I angry at the photo above? I feel that the words speak to what I NEED to do. Realize the goal isn’t about how I look, but how healthy I am. You tell me … does anyone judge how healthy a person is apart from how they look? NO! Don’t lie … no one does. I am ten times healthier than what I was 2 years ago. Still … I judge myself harshly because I do not look like the image I had in my mind of FIT. My fit would be a touch bigger than that girl in the photo, but it would be just as lean. I have to deal with my disappointment that unless I am willing to PAY to have my body adjusted it will NEVER look like this … no matter how hard I work to earn it. Frankly most of these folks have had to pay for theirs as well … girls can’t be this lean and be busty without a booby job. I am not faulting them. I wouldn’t mind having the twins redone, but again you have to be cut and knocked out …. So who knows if I want them THAT BAD??
There are other memes that get my goat as well like this one:
I work super hard to earn the body I have. My body doesn’t look like this … not even close. I still have a gut. A gut that will not go completely away until I have it surgically removed. Again — not sure how bad I want this. If photos and saying you earn your body motivates you–GO YOU! I am super happy for you. I mean that. It takes different things to get each of us going. Before you get mad — I am NOT TRASHING this photo or the words — I am just going to get real with you and tell you how these memes affect me. I know diffrent people are motivated differently. I’m not saying these are bad. If it motivates you THEN USE IT! I am all for whatever it takes to get us going. 😀
Photos like this do not motivate me. I am going to be raw right now — this photo shames me. When I look at this type photo, I focus on what I have not achieved instead of what I have achieved. This type photo makes me sad about how I look. This type photo makes me feel like my efforts have been a waste of time.
I work hard and I have earned a body that isn’t all I longed for — so does that mean I am less if I don’t look like this woman? Does it mean I am not giving it everything? Do it mean I haven’t done all I know to have this?
NO! It means I am 50 years old and the mother of 4 children–two of which weighed more than 10 pounds at birth. It means I got sick and my body gained weight rapidly and stretched out. It means my hormones are jacked up and that I have to accept that unless I want to pay to have my body sculped then I am going to have to be happy with what I have. Work to keep my body healthy and not worry about the parts of me that don’t look like a sports model. I have to listen to Donna the Trainer Nazi Jones and focus on how far I have come.
I used to get so stinkin angry about how hard I was working out just to weight 275 pounds. You let me stop working out and I was going to gain another 25 to 30 pounds. So … there I was stuck … until OptiFast and UAB EatRight program helped me reboot my body. I really appreciated having docs that listened and worked with ME to help ME work within their plan. I finally got results. I am still holding on to those results–so there must have been some good in all that.
For now — I am going to keep trying to figure out how to get leaner while eating and playing hard. I figure if I don’t quit — eventually I will get there. Maybe not like a sports model, but a heck of lot better than before. Mikey leaned over after my latest fit fest and told me, “I love you. You are beautiful. I love your body. I am so thankful that I don’t have to be afraid you are going to die everytime you go out or to sleep. I am happy. You are healthy.” That is what I need to focus on.
Things to focus on:
- That I don’t fall anymore.
- I don’t pass out if I walk up a hill.
- I can go for a walk in the hood and I don’t need someone with me in case my heart starts acting up.
- My health is so much better that I don’t need a quarter of the meds I was on.
- I don’t live in fear
- I don’t live in Shame of how I look.
- I can play with my grand children.
- I’m no longer afraid to eat out at resturants–the lovely stares from kind people.
- I don’t have to use the handicap stall in the restrooms.
- I can fit completely within my seat on the plane.
- I don’t overheat so bad that I faint.
- I am blessed with a wonderful family that is so happy I am healthy — they don’t live in fear of my dying on them everyday.
Life’s Good — even when you are angry — you just gotta take the time to see the good things.