I work out really hard …

Totally LOVE the message … not so loving the photo they paired with it.

I saw this photo today and it touched my angry side.

Why?  Well, you remember the last post I wrote, Are You (click link if you wanna read the short post), about how I measure up in my own mind.  This … this photo touches on the why of that post.  I want my body to look lean and muscled.  Work for those goals.  Still, not seeing the reward of my hard work.  Don’t get me wrong … I look better than I have in years.  There are a number of reasons that I might not be getting the results or the vision I had in my mind when I started this journey.

The reasons I might be having a touch of trouble getting where I want to go:

1. I’m about to turn 50 (not that I using that an  excuse to stop–just might have an effect)
2. I was over weight for a long time — skin just can’t retract that much after so long without help from a doc.  Even if I had the money I’m not sure I would go for the surgeries.  I am working on the courage for that.  I am a surgery weenie.
3. My diet might be off still for building muscle and looking lean–I’m working on that one though.

The “What” I am doing that should be helping me along my path:

1. I workout 5 to 6 days a week and try hard to walk even on my rest day.
2. I lift at least 2 of those days
3. I am working on my diet — looking like I might have a good one right now — let you know in about a month.
4. I try to mix things up in my exercise: lift heavy, walk, sprint, cycle, and do body weight exercises to keep my body guessing.  Trainer Nazi is part of that.  😀  Love you Donna.

I am often told that I am not a very angry — Angry Fat Woman.  Honestly, I am, very angry … angry with my body.  Angry that I have had to struggle so long.  And not just the last two years I have written this blog, but the whole 20 years that I have battled the rapid weight gain.  For years I worked my butt off–just to be fat.  I ate less–Just to be fat.  Right now I am going through another battle of this sort.  Not as bad as in the past, but still–I’M ANGRY!   If I were to honestly express the ANGER that I feel on this written page it would create terrific heartbreak for those I love.  So … I just smile … think shark … and laugh while I am battling my anger and pain.  I scream and rant with Mike–he loves me and understands my anger.  Thankfully, with him I can be openly raw angry–it is very ugly–and he not love me less. I am mostly angry at things within myself.  My the struggle against the odds.  The struggle that often does not seem rewarded to my level of effort.

So, why am I angry at the photo above?  I feel that the words speak to what I NEED to do.  Realize the goal isn’t about how I look, but how healthy I am.  You tell me … does anyone judge how healthy a person is apart from how they look?  NO!  Don’t lie … no one does.  I am ten times healthier than what I was 2 years ago.  Still … I judge myself harshly because I do not look like the image I had in my mind of FIT.  My fit would be a touch bigger than that girl in the photo, but it would be just as lean.  I have to deal with my disappointment that unless I am willing to PAY to have my body adjusted it will NEVER look like this … no matter how hard I work to earn it.  Frankly most of these folks have had to pay for theirs as well … girls can’t be this lean and be busty without a booby job.  I am not faulting them.  I wouldn’t mind having the twins redone, but again you have to be cut and knocked out …. So who knows if I want them THAT BAD??

There are other memes that get my goat as well like this one:

We do earn our bodies.  This statement is a fact.  But my “Earning” my body don’t look like this.  I Promise you I work hard on mine … still I don’t look like this.

I work super hard to earn the body I have.  My body doesn’t look like this … not even close.  I still have a gut.  A gut that will not go completely away until I have it surgically removed.  Again — not sure how bad I want this.  If photos and saying you earn your body motivates you–GO YOU!  I am super happy for you.  I mean that.  It takes different things to get each of us going.  Before you get mad — I am NOT TRASHING this photo or the words — I am just going to get real with you and tell you how these memes affect me.  I know diffrent people are motivated differently.  I’m not saying these are bad.  If it motivates you THEN USE IT!  I am all for whatever it takes to get us going.  😀

Photos like this do not motivate me.  I am going to be raw right now — this photo shames me.  When I look at this type photo, I focus on what I have not achieved instead of what I have achieved.  This type photo makes me sad about how I look.  This type photo makes me feel like my efforts have been a waste of time.

I work hard and I have earned a body that isn’t all I longed for — so does that mean I am less if I don’t look like this woman?  Does it mean I am not giving it everything?  Do it mean I haven’t done all I know to have this?

NO!  It means I am 50 years old and the mother of 4 children–two of which weighed more than 10 pounds at birth.  It means I got sick and my body gained weight rapidly and stretched out.  It means my hormones are jacked up and that I have to accept that unless I want to pay to have my body sculped then I am going to have to be happy with what I have.  Work to keep my body healthy and not worry about the parts of me that don’t look like a sports model.  I have to listen to Donna the Trainer Nazi Jones and focus on how far I have come.

I used to get so stinkin angry about how hard I was working out just to weight 275 pounds.  You let me stop working out and I was going to gain another 25 to 30 pounds.  So … there I was stuck … until OptiFast and UAB EatRight program helped me reboot my body.  I really appreciated having docs that listened and worked with ME to help ME work within their plan.  I finally got results.  I am still holding on to those results–so there must have been some good in all that.

For now — I am going to keep trying to figure out how to get leaner while eating and playing hard.  I figure if I don’t quit — eventually I will get there.  Maybe not like a sports model, but a heck of lot better than before.  Mikey leaned over after my latest fit fest and told me, “I love you.  You are beautiful.  I love your body.  I am so thankful that I don’t have to be afraid you are going to die everytime you go out or to sleep.  I am happy.  You are healthy.”  That is what I need to focus on.

I wanna play with these two — they are two of my motivators

Things to focus on:

1. That I don’t fall anymore.
2. I don’t pass out if I walk up a hill.
3. I can go for a walk in the hood and I don’t need someone with me in case my heart starts acting up.
4. My health is so much better that I don’t need a quarter of the meds I was on.
5. I don’t live in fear
6. I don’t live in Shame of how I look.
7. I can play with my grand children.
8. I’m no longer afraid to eat out at resturants–the lovely stares from kind people.
9. I don’t have to use the handicap stall in the restrooms.
10. I can fit completely within my seat on the plane.
11. I don’t overheat so bad that I faint.
12. I am blessed with a wonderful family that is so happy I am healthy — they don’t live in fear of my dying on them everyday.

I smile even when I am angry … It makes me feel better. 😀 Besides sizin’ makes me happy — grumpy folks need to move. 😀

Life’s Good — even when you are angry — you just gotta take the time to see the good things.

Shonnie