I’ve been kinda tired all week. Yesterday was the only day I woke up feeling like … yea and lets go. Today, I’m draggin’. I am kinda sick of draggin’. I did do an hour and a half of workout today. Yes, there is some reason to be tired, but not really. This isn’t like a HUGE workout or anything, but I just wanna crawl in bed and go to sleep. That’s what my body is begging to do. I on the other hand have things I WANT to do, but thanks to brain fog can’t remember what they are. So … I’m here yappin at you about it.
I called my mother and was telling her about somethings I’m going through and …. Blam ….Flash …. LIGHT. Houston we have lift off! Shonnie understands why she is slugging. Emotional stressors. Most of my stressors right now are good ones. Still, they can drain you. You all know about Collin, him being autistic and getting ready to go to off to college. Well, … I had to fill out a questionnaire … they should have just asked me to write a book–that would have been faster. I kind of relived those years while answering the questions. We have come a LONG way. A very long way.
Just in time for mothers day … my youngest child is launching into adult life. This is so huge it there are hardly words to express how this affects me, but I will try.
Much of the hardest work of raising Collin is done, but part of my emotional self is still there, locked in the place and time when our lives were restricted, isolated, and consumed with constant screaming. All Collin’s caregivers, Mike, Andriana, Erica, and myself showed signs of post traumatic stress disorder after the years of screaming. I can only now … thank God (because I have two wonderful grands and third on the way) … handle the crying of a child. Still … if they scream too long and parents don’t remove them to quiet them I begin to be stressed out. Before Collin, I could drive a car load of screaming children and barely notice it was going on. It is hard even to think on the days when our lives were consumed with banging heads on the floor when he was upset, clawing himself, biting himself, and screaming — just the endless screaming. I feel like crying when I remember. We were so lonely. No one really understood, and few wanted to try. All we had was ourselves for the most part. There were a few friends, but most of them were critical of my efforts and management of my situation. Is it any wonder I just didn’t bother to take care of myself?
This time in my life … this year … Collin’s Senior Year … is somehow super emotional. Almost as if I am finally allowing myself to feel the pain of all the years of “the push.”
I was overwhelmed when I read all the questions. Overwhelmed with joy and hope at how far we have come, and boggled in my mind that we made it here. How did we escape the tunnel of screaming to emerge in the land of possibilities? How did we get here? Hope, faith, trust in God and each other, one little baby step at a time, that and I just could NOT, not try! He was my baby. He was our baby. How do I express the un-expressable?
I think it is ok for me to finally allow myself to feel the weight of where we have been. It is ok that I am heavy and weepy over this moment in my life. It’s ok to FEEL. It is ok to be off for no reason. It is OK. I can just live this moment … no excuses, reasons, or no explanations for WHY I am off are necessary. This is a HUGE moment in my life and I am allowed to be OFF. I’m allowed to be a weepy weak woman all blown in feelings. Yes, I am explaining this to myself … It is hard for me to let go. I have to be strong. I have to get things done. I have to be there to fight and push for my kiddos. Now, it is time for me to just be a mommy who’s heart has broken millions of times over the years without crying or quitting, and just let whatever emotions rise … to just let them HAPPEN. I think I have earned that … hahaha … little play on yesterdays post. I have earned the right to be off, to be weepy, and sappy … I’m giving myself the right to be whatever I feel for right now.