This post is an expansion of the my brief post on my FB page. I felt that I should explain to you all, those who have followed me for the last two years–WHY I have been writing so little. I know I have told you there has been depression, stress, and changes. Most of my stress has been positive stress, but still it saps my mind and energy to write. I am still fighting the good fight for health.
Yes, I have had numerous setbacks of the past two years since my journey into OptiFast. But never further back than where I stopped with OptiFast–that journey stuck. I have considered going back on the fast, but I just cannot do it. I am going to work through my struggles until I find a diet/way of eating that will allow me to be healthy, strong, and active. No more liquid diets. Sorry … just not in my future. So, I may wobble out here for a while–I don’t call that failure–it is just part of my journey. I WILL find a way that is most comfortable for me to achieve my goals. Stick around — you will see. 😀
Then, there has been the struggle with the part of me that longs to write the deep things within me. I am nervous and timid about breaking off in a new direction of writing when I have been so slack with this blog–that is very dear to my heart. I wanted to complete my get healthy journey before embarking upon another, but alas, that was not to be so. I can no longer wait for my weight loss journey to end before I begin the next phase of scribing my life saga for all to see. What story do I have to share you ask? Well, this one, and the tale of my life. I suppose some might call it a recital of woes, but I see an account of victories over insurmountable odds. Life is how you see it … at least that is my take on things.
That story has been bubbling in my belly for months now. I know it was activated by the strong emotions over Collin graduating high school. Those emotions overpowered me. They swelled inside me. All the pain. All the struggle. All the dissapointments and heartache. All the hours of screaming. All the hours of prayer. The fear. The doubt. The loss. All those terrible feelings that I have not allowed myself to feel came rushing in, swallowing me in a sea of heartbreak. I could barely breathe. I felt weighted. I felt like a failure–I know I am not–these were just all the feelings I shoved aside in my mad drive to provide for my family a hope and a future. For me … I had to think about the possibilities instead of the problems.
It was easy to forget me. It was easy to forget my needs. Thus, my health issues we horrific. It was a major step to break free and start to care for myself. It was major to be “selfish” and do what was best for me and let the others fend for themselves some of the time. I have never been a self-sacrificing martyr type–to a greater or lessor extent–I have always done some things for me. But to make the others uncomfortable to make me feel better was hard–especially when I had been ill so many times, and often times parts of their lives suffered just because I was their mother and wife, and I was ill.
For the past two days, I have been so caught up in chatting with other parents with Autistic children and a couple of autistic children. It has filled my heart with such joy that some of my suffering can bring peace and hope to others going down a similar rocky path. I feel the same way about weight loss/health. I want other women and men to have hope. Hope against hope that they can make a change in there lives even with huge odds against them. So, I am going to be bold and write. If you pray … pray for me. 😀
The short version of my background:
- My oldest daughter struggled with a sequencing disorder. We worked until she was able to kick that in the butt. She is studying to be a nurse and is Ace’n it! She is happily married and has my beautiful Princes Sophie.
- My oldest son struggled with ADD and Tourettes, before running in front of a car to save the life of his younger brother experiencing a traumatic brain injury. He is growing up even if it did take until 30. He is happily married with one son and a second on the way. These are blessings I never thought I would see.
- My youngest daughter has ADD, Dyslexia, and tourettes–all which went unnoticed because she was so sweet and her siblings were screaming problems. She is a fighter like her mom and won’t ever stop trying. She is about to take another go at college.
- My youngest son was more autistic than the average autistic child. He screamed almost constantly. He drives, flies planes, writes music, and will do so much more than anyone ever thought possible.
Yes, I am a proud Mama!
In the middle of all this I got sick. Meds caused me to gain HUGE amounts of weight. I suffered adrenal fatigue–more weight gain. Thyroid failure–more weight gain. Hormonal issues–more weight gain. Then, I developed High Blood pressure, diabetes, fibromyalgia, three spinal injuries, a cracked knee, two blown shoulders, and arthritis. YUM!
I won’t lie: there have been days when I wanted to curse God and die. BUT, it just isn’t in my nature to quit. I also believe God is on my side. You might think I am crazy, and you are probably right, but I still believe. I am a solutions kinda girl — show me the problem/enemy, and then lets attack it. Mind you, that comes after the emotional meltdown of me screaming and crying that life isn’t fair, and that I need a break.
Talking with the families on the autism page has softened some of the pain I was dredging through, and has made it possible for me to move toward the joy. I couldn’t write when I was so negatively emotional, because that would have come through and would have been too heavy for families looking to have hope in their child’s future. Now, that I feel I have moved from my dark place you should see me around more. I will not ever give up on fighting for my health. Those four kiddos, their kiddos, and my beloved hubby will always make me fight another day. I want to live.
Always remember and never forget … I don’t care what comes your way … DO NOT QUIT! NEVER GIVE UP! Even if all you do is stumble forward … stumble or crawl … all movement towards your goals, even if feeble, is still a positive.
Blessings … Shonnie