No, that wasn’t a typo.
I am trying to break the angry girl habit of using profanity so frequently. I know you rarely see it in print, but sadly I speak it with regularity–in print it grates on my soul and makes me cringe. I really am a lady — spent most of my life without using expletives to express myself, and would really like to return to my original state of lady-like-ness. It is not as if I have a poor vocabulary, but when you are angry, swear words say so much more about the level of frustration than do their more eloquent siblings. So, forgive me if I relapse in my manners as I run through this angry post back to my normal hopeful self.
You all have often told me that I don’t seem very angry or very fat. I am very angry and only sorta fat. Think of the Hulk’s (Marvel’s the Avengers), “His secret for not exploding into the green monster is that he is always angry.” He always seems under control–I always seem happy, and I am–but there is that underlying rage that goes along with everything.
I am not a negative person. I know that doesn’t make sense does it? How can I be angry and not be negative? I don’t know, but that is the deal-i-o round here. I would do the droopy peace sign and say “word,” but that would be my hubby’s geeky deal, not mine … I digress …
I think … that the main reason you don’t see how angry I feel being poured out onto these “pages” in the blog-o-sphere is …I don’t think I, personally, could handle seeing in black-and-white how angry I am (probably the same reason I don’t print profanity often). If I were to express the fullness of my fury in black and white it would enhance the reality my dark indignation, possibly making it more bitter to my soul than when it sits alone in my head. In print, the anger transforms into something concrete. It is really real. Ugly and dark. Not just a wimpy feeling that I battle back-and-forth with my hubs, who understands how I feel and is angry along with me at the situation that is my body.
Right now I am angry IF:
- I walk by a mirror and see myself.
- See myself in a picture.
- Try to put on clothes that I thought I could wear, but cannot.
- Put on workout clothes — which make me want to die rather than go out.
- I feel my gut bounce off my leg when I am trying to do exercise moves.
- When I can’t play as hard as I want too, because I have been ill and my body needs to recover.
- When I think negative things about myself — which happens a lot, because I NEVER believed I would be back here! I know I have never stopped working on my heath and fitness. Health isn’t just about size–however at this weight my body is under a great strain–as evidenced in my meds.
- When jackwads tell me “What’s Your Excuse.” I F-ing don’t have one — get the F out of my face with your judgements before I B’ Slap you into next week. Smiling 🙂
- When I see people who haven’t seen me in a while. They are feeling sorry for me. I HATE PITY. I Don’t want to be pitied. I LOVE those who laugh and cry with me as I struggle against my issues. Those people always seem to say HELPFUL things. The others … always say lame shight. (yes, I am aware that is wrong spelling)
The list could go on, but who gives a rip about everything I am angry about? No one! Not even me. I don’t want to focus on my anger. I want to focus on healing my body and my mind.
I am not the measure of my gut, my butt, or my ample breast. I have a great smile. My eyes are full of truth and hope. My heart is large and warm. I am smart, creative, forgiving, caring, loving, hopeful, encouraging, trustworthy, persistent, diligent, generous, and very long suffering. My worth is not in how I look, but sadly, how I look does bring down how I feel about me. I am a firm believer in beauty at all stages, and my hubby thinks I am Hot Stuff–so that really does silence most of this world’s negative voice about my weight–but not all.
I am not as large as I once was — by about 60 + pounds maybe 70. Still, I’m having to take more meds, I have more problems with edema (swelling of the legs, feet, and hands — often it settles in my gut as well), I have more shortness of breath, and almost all my workouts are way too tough for my body to handle at the moment. So, I am angry that I can’t PLAY as hard as I want. I have to start over again rebuilding my body to the place it once was. This MAKES ME F-ing NUTS! Just ask my husband — I HATE GOING BACKWARDS. I mean it makes me completely bonkers. The only thing I like re-do’s of are fun trips, great trails, walks along the same stretch of beach, visits with good friends and family, and FOOD that tastes good.
RE-LOSING the weight is a PAIN!! I know I am not alone.
On the Positive side these things lift me up:
- My hubby’s love and support keep me pressing.
- My Mom and Dad who tell me how wonderful I am and that I look amazing.
- As does my childrens belief in me.
- My friends and other family who constantly tell me how great I look and how strong they think I am. That they have faith in me that I will figure things out … and if I didn’t lose another ounce I am doing GREAT. Thanks!
- The love of my grandchildren. They tell me how beautiful I am. 🙂
- My trainer Nazi who never leaves me stranded and always comes up with ways for me to workout even when I am super gimpy so I keep pressing forward.
- My can-do spirit. I will never quit — just isn’t in me.
- All the wonderful support I have found on this blog and on FB
- All the new faces out there pushing body love — of all shapes and sizes. These people are my heros. My buddy This is not a Diet, Go Kaleo, and there are many others that I will start adding on here for others to follow. 🙂
- Faith in God and myself.
The positives always out-weight the negatives if we are only willing to see them. Some days it is really hard to see them unless you write them out.
I know I am not the only soul out there doing what they thought was the right thing to do, that turned out to be the wrong thing–because things in their bodies had changed. I know I am not the only person out here who has a complicated body that won’t behave in a normal fashion. I know this … and it makes me keep hangin’ in there with this blog … it gives me some kind of hope that maybe someone else will benefit from my struggles. That maybe someone will be encouraged that they are not alone. They might not hate themselves as long as I have over things they have NO CONTROL over — other than to NOT QUIT. Maybe one person out there will read my struggles and NOT be beaten up by all the dumb statements about excuses are the reason why “WE” are fat, and will understand MAYBE what they are dealing with is their body’s hormonal balance or an illness that is working against all they strive for–not their lack of push or drive, or even that they have done a single thing WRONG.
It has been hard to come and make posts in my anger. I like to surround myself with positive thoughts and feelings. Sometimes … sometimes life just is NOT positive, except for being positively aggravating, depressing, sad, lonely, and difficult. I cannot live in darkness and negativity, but truth is truth. I am going to try to post more frequently working with where I am, and not let myself be afraid to share my struggles along with my successes. Over the past year there have been more setbacks and struggles than successes. Still, I am here and working to understand my body and what I need to do to make it healthy and strong. This makes me a success even if the BMI chart says I am an obese failure–I AM NOT!