I’m having a bleak black Monday morning.
Yep, I know I have been a font of encouragement of late. Things have been stacking up to a complete and all out QUIT on my part. I am sick of pressing in to blow up. I don’t want to go to a new doctor at UAB and a new nutritionist. I hated going the first time. I don’t want to get on a scale. I HATE scales. I just want to eat well and live. You know all the memes “Eat Clean” and the weight will take care of itself. I want to scream swear words at those wonderful people. If they ever made the mistake of saying such at thing to me on a day like today, they would find their head in next week. Just sayin’. I’m not a shame motivated kinda person. I am a results kinda person. The pressure in this body is building to nuclear proportions. The last week or so hasn’t helped me much.
This morning my pants didn’t slide on as easy as the last time I wore them. Yesterday, I waxed chunks out of my face that when I rubbed them in my sleep woke me up at 2:30 AM. YUM! (for those of you on FB, I realized this once the coffee started to take affect or is effect?… Oh …bite me I’m too tired to care.) When I was sick on Friday, I dropped my iPhone–that I was about to turn in for a $150 trade for a new one–in the bath tub. It works, but won’t turn off so … boo hiss for me … I have to pay full price.
I got sidetracked because of my clothes not fitting and having to change that I forgot to apply my makeup so that I would be able to go shopping — something I HATE doing because I can’t stand being FAT! I actually hate doing everything right now. I hate being chunky. I really hate it. Really, Really, Really hate it. I thought I would underline that for you in case you missed how much I dislike life at this moment.
I have a reason to live. I have a reason to fight. I have a reason to push in and go again, but today I just want to have a blankin’ pity party for myself …. Even though I hate pity … it just feels right.
So there you have it.
And NO, for all you folks who think you have the answers — you Don’t. What makes you think you know more than the docs?? What makes you think you are right about me?? What makes you think you know that I MUST be doing something really wrong for this to happen? You don’t live with me … just say it to one of my family and you will see what happens. They will be all over you. They watch how hard I work to have a balanced diet. They see how much work I put into activity and eating well. I just have to be super insane to lose any weight and I am so NOT in the mood for insane. I can do insane, but I am F’n sick of insane. It only takes a few hormone bumps and look out fat city here we come. I want to just find a place to live.
Stay tuned …. Happy fat girl coming again … sometime soon. Just not today.