I’m still here

I’ve been super quiet. Because I’m angry. Angry that I’ve gained and lost the same 30 pounds over and over again. I feel like a failure. I’m not. But I still get frustrated and don’t write about because I hate being negative.

Talking with you guys requires I focus on a part of my life that makes me nuts. I think I need to write about it for my own good health–but I rebel.

Life has a way of blasting a body from every side at times–much like a category five tornado–bring life damaging destruction. I’ve barely been able to breathe at times over the past year. I have struggled to gain control of my body and any area of my life I can control. I’ve worked hard to put at a distance those things I cannot, or at least minimize there affect/effects on my mental energy.

Life is still good. I’ve started biking more. That makes me happy. I’m still paddling (stand up paddle boarding)–love that. Playing with the grand kiddos is life affirming. Building memories and sand castles. I still have the amazing Mikey in my life. I will overcome. 😃😃

I eat well. No surprise there.

Love a bunch.


Play hard and enjoy family time.

Right now I need to get well.

7 thoughts on “I’m still here

  1. Miss Shonnie… I just went to the gym for the second time this week. I haven’t been to the gym twice in the same month since I left Colorado last year. As such, culinary school and my body have most certainly declared war on each other… in weight-speak, that is. I’m getting back in the ring, though. I had a long chat with my favorite sis-in-law today and she was encouraging me to be so proud of myself for being annoyed at the weight I’ve gained back because I haven’t gone back to where I was.

    The clothes aren’t comfortable, but I can still fit in them. I’m still healthy and I still look good, I just slid back down the hill a bit. And being aware of this, annoyed by it, angry even, you and I are still in a far better place than we once were. Don’t give up, dear Shonnie! And no matter what, you’re extraordinarily beautiful, inside and out!

    So many, many hugs to you!

  2. Beautiful Shonnie – talk about it – don’t bottle it up!!!! Be angry and then get even!!! I’ve re-gained every ounce of what I lost – you know how bad and disappointed I feel and for a long time I didn’t want to talk about it – I still go through phases where I don’t BUT when I do talk about it – I promise you it helps!!! It’s that old accountability! This doesn’t bother anyone one else out there – but it bothers US! So we have to get on top of the situation – I know how you feel, I know the anger and the self loathing – only too well – you’re not alone in this! xxx

  3. I am here too! I get tired of gaining and losing over and over again. Doesn’t feel fair. But then I imagine what it would be like if I were just gaining and gaining. That would be worse. Love the pictures of your happy stuff – focus on that, and maybe the angry will lessen? Hang in there.

  4. I totally understand that as I’m on a new plan but I feel like you do except it seems to be 10 pounds (and I need to lose 30!*l*). Anyone who says it isn’t a lifelong battle has obvious never had issues with their weight! Hang in there — we’ll be here when you are! 🙂

    • Thanks! It is a constant battle of issues. I know I will never give up or quit, but sometimes I would like to hurt something for my dealing with all this. 😀

  5. You’re not a failure. It’s hard. Damn hard. Mad props to you for being open with your struggle! xoxo

    • Thank you Dys! I hangin. I know I am not a failure, but it feels that way sometimes. Especially when I look in the mirror and see my fluffy tummy pokin out. 😀

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