Funny thing … I go back and read some of my older posts, because you sweet readers commented, and, sadly I can’t remember what I wrote to make sense of what you commented–yes it was that long ago. Honestly, I think I wrote the last post and never even looked back at my blog.
I have wanted to write, but writing might hurt those who I care dearly about, but writing is the way that I process my life and my world. Pain is best processed through writing my thoughts down, painting, and/or riding my bike. All of which have been out of my reach for most of 2014–for one goofy reason or another.
I tried to go back to counseling. Thanks to our
lovely seriously shitty new insurance climate, I have to PAY for half of all my visits, where in the past it was free up to a certain number–and did I mention that I pay MORE by-a-lot than I did when it was WAY BETTER?!?! Still, I needed a way to get back on my feet–so I PAID. My counselor was still there, but ….
****A little background about me and money. I am generous, but I HATE WASTE. I recycle everything. I hate it when people throw money around like it was nothing to earn. I value my time as much as my money–to me they are the same thing–my life’s blood-sweat-and-tears. Something YOU NEVER WASTE! Never–ever!****
…. BUT my counselor did both. She came out late to get me by 10 min–both visits. Took messages and calls while I was in there and then shoved me out the door 15 min before my hour was up. I get that she has to have a few minutes before the next person to close things out. That part I am fine with–well sorta fine with, but her answering messages and phone calls–Not So Much. She did this both times, the second was even worse, because she opened the door to a colleague. She cancelled our third visit before I could due to sickness. They keep calling me to reschedule … NOT GONNA HAPPEN. If I went a third time–she would get a tongue lashin’. The angry fat woman would arise. I don’t do time wasting. I am going to counseling to manage my hurt and pain–not to get pissed off at my counselor. Not waisting money on that one.
So … here I am … trying to figure out how to write when I can’t say everything I want and NEED to talk about–without hurting others. I am not big on being fake or causing others pain–a large portion of why I have been so quiet. My needs are important, but so are the feelings of those I love–even when they don’t care about mine. Wow , that sounded so selfless. I am a real person–my poop stinks, even to me, just like yours. I am in an awkward place. I can’t be real about my pain. Or maybe I can. Maybe I should. Not sure I will. I do still have some dignity left … even if I have gained weight back.
The angry angry woman is always present in me–when I am larger. I smile because I try to focus on the positives in my life. As a general rule, I believe that you find what you look for–joy or pain–sadly, that isn’t always the case. My life has been more about the negatives over the past few years, and that whole ball of stress-wax has congealed into FAT in my BODY!
I wish I could say that’s O.K., but really it isn’t. Thankfully, I am blessed with supportive family, and an AMAZING HUBBY! I will make it through this sucky portion of life too. Some of the time I will shine like a bright light, and others I will whimper through and wallow like a lost dog crying for my master, but such is life.
Well … that cloudy beach is waiting for my feet to pound it on this chilly morning so I guess its time for me to check out and shove off.
Blessings … until we meet again.