I’m Sorry …
I am sorry that my talking about my weight or the swelling in my legs bothers you. I really am sorry. I realized something today. I had a moment of clarity–an epiphany. Let me set the moment up for you … it started last night with a group of skinny women–On the BEACH in swimsuits.
I have a group of women, who are my friends, that happen to be much smaller than I am at this moment in time. They eat normally, drink normally–as do I, and are much less active than I am on a regular basis, but always stay about the same weight–unlike myself. I could hate them for that I guess, but I don’t, but it might be easier to have friends who are fluffy like myself, or at least have struggled the same way that I have struggled.
Now, for the epiphany…
OK … For starters … I have Aspergers … if you don’t know what that means go look it up. It is on the Autism spectrum. It means I am really smart, but lack some social skills. Like I have to talk about what is bugging me. A LOT! So I am Sorry that I am this way and you are my friend and you have to listen to me. This is HOW I process. I know it is rough–just ask my daughters and my husband. My youngest son, and I are fine with constant repetition, because he is Autistic.
Also, for further clarity, I think in terms of facts, more than emotion. When I do have emotion it is way larger than life. I try to save that for when I am with trusted family … because my emotional expression is a LOT to process.
At this moment I am fat–it does not mean that I think I am:
- A. Ugly
- B. A Failure
- C. Out of control
- D. Worthless
It simply means things in my body have gone awry, and now I have to try and figure out how to correct the imbalances. Yes, it does mean that I am pissed off about having to work to lose weight–YET again! Who wouldn’t be pissed off after losing 100 pounds, to gain back 70 pounds of the weight????? I am ticked. the. hell. off!
So … this is why I am sorry. I am sorry for the mixed messages that I am sending out to Nuero Typical Adults–that is what we Non-Typical Adults call you all “NORMAL” folks. Whatever normal is. I am sorry because I only JUST realized this morning while riding my bike — why everyone is always giving me unwanted advice. They think because I am talking about this issue of weight that I want comfort, advice, or sympathy. I DO NOT want your anything–unless I specifically ask for it. I just want to be listened too. Just because I am grumbling about my weight doesn’t mean I want you to “FIX” me, or that I give two shits what you think I need to do … it is because I am Aspergers and I need to fucking talk about it. That is the beginning and end of it. I am not looking for ANYTHING … I just can’t stop myself from talking about what pisses me off.
Also … just FYI … My stating the FACT that I am having a problem with EDEMA isn’t code for anything either. I mentioned that I had been plagued with swelling, and yesterday was considerably bad. I was particularly hot last night and I was concerned that the swelling would grow worse. I did not mentioned the fear, but the swelling. More than once … and I think these ladies felt that it was code for make Shonnie feel better about herself. With comments like, “I don’t know why you are so hard on yourself. You are so beautiful.” Oh and the best one was, “I think your problem is mental, and a little bit physical.” Promise you my problem is physical and yea … I am sure I look mental in the way I cope.
I know the difference between fat and fluid. Fluid causes me a lot of issues, and is worse when I am heavier. I was NOT bitching about the horrific giggly feeling ON MY SHIN, last night, so that you would make me feel better about myself. My main concern was my health, and wondering was I putting myself at risk being out in the heat. This is also why I kept getting in the water to swim, I was hoping that the salt water would help reduce my fluid build up.
Where my vanity comes into question is over PHOTOGRAPHS. Last night everyone was all happy taking photos. Yes, I love to capture moments in time, and NO I don’t like photos. I do want to be in photos with family even though I do NOT like how I look in them. I HATE photos of my person right now … why???? Not just vanity. I THINK IN FUCKING PICTURES!!!
Can you understand … if I see the picture I cannot get it out of my head?????? It floats around with me, follows me around and bugs me. So … yes … photographs are the only thing that actually cause me to break down emotionally. Until I get some of this weight off I am gonna be funny about pictures. I do not want images in my mind that I cannot wipe out. I want to keep focused on my goals for my health and I believe that is WISE. I know myself and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I am NOT avoiding pictures because I hate myself and need you to tell me how beautiful I am. I do not want images in my mind to correlate with the crappy way people tend to treat overweight women.
Right now, I want to be focused, focused on getting my strength back. I am eating well, as I normally do when I can cook for myself, unlike the past few months where Mikey cooked. I could have gone to the doctor and worked with them on getting skinny fast, but I am more interested in eating well and gaining my strength back. I will focus on getting my weight down in time, but right NOW … my goal is getting stronger. I have had so many injuries because my body is out of shape from working too hard to lose weight and not on building strength. I think it would be unwise to make skinny my goal at this time in my life. Healthy, strong, and fit is my goal right now. Slim down with come in time.
I made this choice purposefully. I am very goal oriented. I put my vanity aside to work on strength. Still, having a fat gut makes issues when you get up and down off of the ground, or out of beach chairs. It DRIVES me NUTS … so … I talk about it. I am SORRY … I am going to work on bitching about it around you … but please … can you work on NOT telling me what to do. I know it causes you pain to hear me talk, but NOT talking causes me pain. I know you think you can help, but unless you have a medical degree or have lost a 100 pounds or more I am very sure that I am NOT interested in what you have to say about how to lose weight.
Fair warning … if you choose to share with me your shallow wisdom don’t be surprised when I flail you from your hide.
I am sorry that I did not realize my being myself was so difficult to process. I should have understood this sooner, knowing how much of a challenge NT’s are for me to grasp. I love you as you are, and my hope is you can love me as I am–Promise I will work on making it easier for you now that I clearly understand what is going on. I love you and I am sorry to stress you so.
Writing helps me … so thank you for listening to one angry fat woman.