I NEVER dreamed I would be here again … obese. I knew I would fight tooth and nail NOT to go backwards. And I did fight. But I lost. I did not go into the dark night calmly or without struggle. Still … I LOST.
I just KNEW I had this thing down. There was NO WAY I was going to be obese again. Never!
- I never dreamed I would again look at the floor as I passed mirrors.
- I never dreamed that I would again hate going out to eat.
- Hate trying on Clothes.
- Hate hanging with friends.
- Dread public bathrooms.
- Dread going to the gym.
- Dread going to the beach.
- Hate taking photos.
But Here I am … I am living that all OVER AGAIN!!!!
IT can happen. Dedicated people can lose a battle with obesity. You can be fighting the good fight and lose.
How is that possible? People tell you that it isn’t. They say if you just have self control it cannot happen. I am told frequently by skinny people–who have NEVER had a weight gain problem–that it is IN my HEAD not my body. I just need to get my mind around it. I am happy for them … if life works for them in this fashion. I try not to be jealous that life works for them in this fashion. I try not to HATE them that life works in this fashion … but it has not worked this way for me. I seriously control my urge to literally beat them–they have NO IDEA how angry I am about this whole FAT thing.
Much like the gross comedian who thought it would be great to smash Fat people, most humans will tell you that they don’t include people with medical causes in their slams. Answer me this: HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW which of us have medical issues? Do we look different than the other FAT people? I have NEVER gotten the benefit of my medically caused issues when the insults start flying out of grotesque, ignorant mouths. Are you guys Psychic? Can you read Minds? I know you all THINK you KNOW we are lying to ourselves–that is what I have seen.
I want to bash these people for their stupidity, but we are not supposed to be mean to people who can not help being idiots. Sometimes it does feel like it would be fair. hahahahah
I am thinking on working on some really snarky comebacks for all these loving and caring people who feel it is SAFE and OK to approach a FAT person and share their lovely thoughts on my life … you know something that might highlight how WRONG what they are saying is. I think words are a much better tool than a bat. Just sayin’.
For me … what is supposed to be IMPOSSIBLE is very possible.
Let me share some of my lovely weight gains—KEEP in Mind that all the large weight gains have been while eating at worst normal healthy portions and MOST of the time while DIETING!!
Here we Go:
- Gaining 60 pounds in less than SIX months time–first Gain
- Gaining 30 pounds in ONE month. It has happened maybe 3 times
- Gaining 30 to 40 pounds over a THREE month period of time–has happened so many times I cannot count.
- Gaining 30 plus pounds just because I could NOT be active.
Most of this weight gain has come as a result of medicine changes, but not all. My body builds muscle fast. And, when I start trying to work out harder–because that makes me happy–I don’t just build muscle I gain FAT. WHY? My body thinks it is STARVING. I gained a LOT of my weight back from exercising too much and not eating enough or the right combo. HOW do I know this? They have machines that can measure how much fat to muscle you have. Yesterday mine said I had a LOT of muscle to go with my fat.
That is why we spent a good bit of time with the dietitian talking about how can I transition. I can lose, NO problem. I can be strict and rigid with NO problem … it is just figuring out how to flex with my activity—thats the problem.
I have a serious problem eating MORE. It is almost like I am anorexic–almost–but not quite. They have a problem with eating at all. I just have a problem going over 1500 to 2500 cals a day. That might sound like a good thing, but it IS NOT. Not when you are biking over 30 miles in one day. Or paddle boarding for a day (I do mean a DAY), followed/mixed with swimming, and did I mention that I pulled the boards down to the beach on my bike?
Sadly … I am still recovering from injuries … so I have to go easy with exercise for the time being. Given that, it seems NOW is the perfect time to work on the diet. I need to turn this fat gaining girl back around, while I am in recovery, and have to go easy and slow. I will probably keep working with the dietitian long after the weight is gone just to make sure that I figure out how to eat and pump the weights and the peddles without putting my body in distress and causing FAT gain.
Thankfully, I am a very blessed woman. I have a GREAT family who KNOWS how hard I work. They remind me, when I start to wonder if these know-it-all people are on to something and that I am deceiving myself, that they have been there with me through all of this. They remind me that THEY KNOW how active I am. They remind me that they KNOW how good I eat. Thank God for my wonderful family who supports me all the time. I have some pretty great friends too … I am a blessed woman.
Well … I gotta get off ah here … time to pack the bags and head back to the beach to work. I know my life sucks. Y’all be nice to the fatty on the beach .. ya hear?