This is a post I wrote while I was in the throws of making the wedding deck and going to parties fat. I am sure I am not alone in this type of struggle, haveing just found this unposted moment … I thought it was worthy of a share.
Today was a beautiful day.
The weather was perfect for a Bridal Shower–Mild and Sunny. Everything was perfect, the party, the food, the People were amazing. So, why did I title this post “Meltdown City”? When, I went in my closet to put on what I had planned to wear——nothing fit as expected. This is when meltdown number one happened.
****Important NOTE**** Over the past two weeks, I have started to wobble down small half pound losses per week. Honestly … this is HUGE, but it did NOT help when the clothes did not fit.
Clothes that had I expected to have for a back up were too small. I managed to pull myself together after a crying episode to make it to the party for my daughter. No matter what, you MAKE yourself do things for your child that you would not do otherwise, this is normal for parents, but it was still a HUGE blow to my pride.
Still, why would this be a “Meltdown City Day’? Pictures. I agreed to take pictures to be in them for Erica, but I requested that they not be posted to FaceBook … I bet you guessed what got posted to FB … yep … the pictures or myself. And I am going to be honest … I could not bring myself to post those pictures. This is from a few weeks later. I was just too horrified to post them.
Backing up … Mike is weighing me for monitoring information ONLY. To see is my plan working, or is it failing. Right now it is working, but I don’t know my weight. This is for moral-support reasons. I wanted to focus on proper eating, proper rest, and proper exercise to regain my more fit body. I have had so many setbacks–some my fault and some medical. I have been working with all my might to correct the imbalances in my body, and after six months of working somethings are starting to change. ***Post Script–things got better and then went beyond worse.
I have lost so much ground …..
The lack of clothing that fits well has been a serious clue to how much I weigh, but the pictures today painted a super clear picture of the horror that is my extreme weight rebound. The lie that I managed to feed myself was completely shattered when the pictures popped up on FB for all to see. All the beautiful memories of my daughters wonderful day crashed in that moment. I felt like a fool. I felt stupid. I felt like a failure. I felt disgusting. I heard all the nasty comments of people who asked me how I was going to deal or manage keep my weight loss. I remembered how I said it wouldn’t happen to me. And here I was … I wanted to break things–and I did.
For some strange reason I always feel the need to organize and clean when I get upset. I picked up a jar of face cream and opened it, for what reason I don’t remember, to discover it was empty. This made me angry so I threw it in the wastebasket
slightly quite hard, hard enough that it broke a trashed lightbulb, but not only did it crush the bulb it –of course–caused the basket to flip onto the floor and break the fragile luminary into even smaller-impossible-to-discover-without-a-bare-foot shards. All this happened with my parents and soon-to-be Son-in-law in the next room.
And it gets worse…… I start crying. No one knows what to do when I cry. I cried twice today. Everyone wanted to help me find my happy place. Which as you might imagine did not work out too well. It was a very bad moment for my dignity–I lost control of it.
People often ask where the angry fat woman lies … she lies right below the smile. I have to work with all my might to keep her in check. I work to make her submit to reason and behave rational–she does not wish to do so–she wants to rage and assault the obesity demon with a forever death blow. And when she can’t or she loses she wants to smash things.
Somehow, I have to refocus my energy and my anger on positive things. All the rage and anger won’t make my dreams come true–it will cripple me–and that is of no use to anyone, least of all me.
P.S.S. It did cripple me for a while … but I am back at the punching the crap out of fat! P.S.S.S. I so LOVE my family! They make my life rich and full.
Peace and out.