The Irony of Shame Part II


  As I said yesterday, I did not expect what I heard from my doctor.

One thing was very different this time over so many in the past. I had been to this doctor–the SAME DOCTOR–in the last few months. There was documentation of my extreme rapid weight gain. She looked back over my charts and I had the numbers wrong. I gained 40 pounds in 3 months, instead of 30 pounds in 4 months. She looked at me and said–something is wrong–that should not be possible. What have I been saying for 20 plus years??? What have I been asking–How can I gain so fast?!?! And this will be the seventh or tenth time–I lose track for the shame of it all–that I have gained in such a rapid fashion. Thankfully, it was not as bad as first time. Still, 40 pounds in 3 months, is horrific.

I grow weary of this battle when slight shifts can make huge changes. Docs have noted that I gain muscle and fat. Thought that hormonal meds had made me gain rapidly, but no one has ever said, “something is wrong if such small shifts in meds make such horrible shifts in weight.”

I have AVOIDED the doctors when I gain. I have refused to go when the rapid gains have taken place for SHAME. Now, after being forced to go, there is documentation of what I have been telling them all these years. NOW, I have a doctor saying this should NOT be possible. There is something wrong. You shouldn’t gain like this.  

After YEARS of abuse and countless efforts to lose … we are going to look into WHY I might be gaining. Besides the obvious stuffing food in my face–that doesn’t happen.

In my terror of being shamed by my doctors, I have avoided going back to a doctor when rapid weight gain has happened. After the first horrid weight gain of over 60 pounds in less than six months time–the group of doctors that I sought help from were verbally condescending at best and downright verbally abusive at their worst as they all told me to stop eating. I pretty much gave up hope for years of EVER getting help. Nothing I did ever worked. No doctors believed me in the past, and that has caused me to walk in terror where doctors are concerned. But you see … sigh … in the early days we moved about once a year with my hubby’s job, so no doctor got to see what happened before their own eyes, because by the time my terror outweighed my shame we had MOVED again. It was always AFTER the fact that they weighed me–so they thought I was making things up–Deluding myself. If was not for working with the folks at UAB showing me that I could lose, and that they could see how hard I worked, I would probably not be still fighting now.

I know the folks at UAB would have worked hard to help me make sense out of all this, but all the folks I knew are now gone and well … it made it hard for me to press in again and go back there. Why did I go back to THIS DOC? I HAD to go to this doctor to get my meds refilled. I was forced by NEED. Now, I am glad I did. Is it possible …

Is it possible we will finally find an answer? A cure? The cause? I only dare to hope.

Finally … a doctor is going to search out the ROOT CAUSE of my obesity instead of trying to treat the symptom. I cannot even express to you how moved I am at this moment.  

28 years ago, on my honeymoon, I ate some bad food that ripped through my body and made me feel as though I was dying and changed my life forever. That illness turned my world upside down–it Changed my metabolism, changed my relationship to food, changed my relationship with myself, changed my relationship with other people, and it changed my health. I have always complained that, if I was going to be fat, it would at least be fair for me to enjoy eating a ton of food–but if I do that BAD THINGS HAPPEN, so, I must fight the good fight.

 

Will I be large or small? Or somewhere in between? I have no clue. I know I would rather small.

 
Will this chapter of my life finally come to a real resolution?

I don’t know, but I will be able, if they discover the root cause, to accept myself. I might even have proof that I DID NOT do this to myself … wonder how many others there are out there like me??? My hope is that I will find the answer to having a healthy weight. Either way, I can be at peace and rest on the issue of my weight.  

If I will never be able to keep weight off, will I quit fighting the good fight? No, because being as healthy as I can be will always be important to me.

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