Is that even allowed anymore?
I want to scream obscenities at the air–if only that would do good–sometimes it does make me feel better so I just may have a go at it.
Am I even allowed to say I hate being fat? Does that make me a negative person? Does that make me a hater? Or does it just make me honest?
I F’ing HATE taking pictures! Oh, yeah stab me in the eye! Cut out my heart! Shame me before the world … post a picture of me on FaceBook. EeeeeGADDDDDSSSSS I HATE pictures–they just remind me how very far I have fallen. I worked my Astir off to get my weight to a healthy place and now I am back here–facing down the exact same demon.
I am seriously Miffed! Ticked and a host of horrible words I won’t type out. Thank Goodness you aren’t here to hear me swear to myself in the privacy of my own home.
NO …. NO … NO! Save all the sappy don’t hate yourself statements. I like me. I LOVE me. Heck I even LIKE me a bunch. And … I Do NOT think I am ugly … I don’t need my ego built up. PROMISE. I just do NOT like being FAT.
I know we are not supposed to be real about disliking our bodies. We are supposed to be positive about our health and bodies. I get that. I live there most days, but NOT EVERY DAY!! I don’t happen to feel that today. Am I supposed to pretend? Am I supposed to never be upset? I don’t think that is reality, or even healthy. I am what I am. I am angry about being FAT … hence the title of my blog.
Yesterday, was all feel goods and sunshine. Today, is me screaming at the moon. Why? I saw horrid fat pictures of myself and I cannot ignore the gross obesity in those pictures. I HATE those pictures. They ruin my carefully sculpted image of myself. It is not an image built on a lie, but on picking out the best parts of myself to focus on so that I can keep fighting. Maybe you like shaming yourself, I think you are a sadist–but I am all for what works, that does NOT work for me. Taking fat pictures and posting them on my walls or fridge only make me depressed and that is not a good way to get me moving and focused on healthy eating goals–which are a way of life for me–believe it or not. Stress is not a good way for me to lose–stress causes my body to pack on pounds even without changing eating habits.
I could understand being fat if I wasn’t doing anything but sitting on my rump eating all day, but I am NOT! I eat healthy. I walk. I ride my bike. I do squats. I paddle board. Sometimes it feels like my body hates me. What is worse … I have to go buy clothes! Another experience in FRUSTRATION and SHAME.
I am always going to like myself, but that doesn’t mean I have to like my situation–even if I can never change it. Even if I have to endure well meaning skinny wenches, who have no idea how actively I pursue healthy living and eating, tell me what I could do if I would only try. What I also know is that they have no idea how self controlled that I am–I never smack them upside the head for their rude suggestions.
Ok, rant over. Now, to hop on my bike for a peddle about the hood before going SHOPPING–hear me groan and whine about the latter–and feel me cringe over biker clothes on my big fat ass on a bike. Hopefully all the hecklers stayed home today.