There are events that shape your life.
They can change you beyond anything that you could dare imagine, both good and bad. I cannot go into the specific details of this particular trauma because it might hurt some if I did, but yesterday heartbreak came to visit. One would think a woman who has survived raising an autistic son (who is doing well) and a brain injured son (who is so/so) that I would be skillfully prepared to deal with trauma and disappointment. Maybe I am, but today I hurt.
Today … I am breathing. I am moving. I am talking. I am alive. I have Mike by my side. I have my children by my side. I will find things to laugh about. I am doing all these things, but it is extremely difficult.
But in the moments where things get quiet my heart pumps weakly laboring as if I am dying. I look normal on the outside, maybe not as bright in the eye or as much pep in my step–I appear fine to the naked eye–but I am a walking ball of heartache. Yesterday’s news sucked the wind from my sails and crippled my ablity to function normally. The workout that was planned went out the window as I shlogged around in agony.
It seems as though the air has been thinned, the floors are made of mud, and my arms heavy with weights. I am numb. All I can do is pray and wait to find peace and look within myself for the direction I should move. I will look around me and find my comforts, my joys, my hopes and I WILL find a way to press forward. Sometimes in life one has to choose joy. And you always have to choose it in the darkest hours.
I think it would help if I could cry. Maybe I can find some stupid show on TV that will make me cry for no reason.
I’m going to try and continue working on my meal plan … even though food sounds disgusting … I will be fine. I always am. I do have many blessings to count and I will count them you can be sure.