I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated right now. I have a hard time writing when I am not losing weight or having victory. I am scared you are going to see the angry fat woman and run away from the “REAL” “ANGRY” me. It wouldn’t be the first time. So, I sugar me up and try to write positive things that I do feel, but are tougher to access in these moments of defeat. No, I’m not giving up–I’m hard at work–trying to figure what the hell is wrong with my f’ing body.
But Dang it all, NO! Just NO! NO, I DON’T LOVE MY FAT BODY!
You can love your body, you can have a positive body image all you want–and with you–but I am not there with my fat. I am all over supporting people and encouraging them to love themselves whatever state they are in, and I do, but I am a realist girl. I live with my real feelings and they don’t always line up with the popular fad of loving fat bodies. I will stand with you every step of the way if you are embracing yours and will truly love you for it, admire you for it, but I CANNOT join you there. Forgive me. I worked my A$# off to get the fat off only to gain it back and NO less than extreme measures seem to be working for me.
I thought I had found a real way to live and lose slowly, but it stopped. It stopped once I started logging all my food to be more focused on weight loss and fitness. I am seriously pissed about that. Maybe there is something here that I need to learn about all this micro managing my food and life. It doesn’t feel like a life I want to live. I want to be healthy, but it looks like it has to be psycho-hyper-focused to even win a smidge and then it can be all wiped away with one medication change–but that really isn’t possible according to the doctors–but it is happening.
I am so freaking angry I can barely talk about this without running my BP up. Uhhhhhhhhhh
- I love me.
- I don’t think I am ugly, but this F’ing FAT IS UGLY to me.
- I hate being fat.
- Being fat is NOT me, it’s just a problem I have to deal with, and one that I am pissed about having to deal with!
- I hate the flipping done-lap-coochie-cover thing that makes sitting with my legs closed a real challenge–not to mention it causes my legs to swell.
- I HATE how I choke on my boobs when I put a proper bra on that makes the twins look good or if I am laying down.
- I HATE how my legs apologize for me when I walk. Just listen if you hear a womans legs rub together it sounds like excuse me pardon me. Over and over as you walk.
- Hate that people feel sorry for me that I gained my weight back.
- Hate that people judge me for gaining my weight back. Convinced I have stuffed my face.
- I HATE my thermo covering that makes me hot all the time and miserable!
- F’ing HATE taking pictures so that I can look at how far I have fallen!
- I will state again, I LOVE ME! I think I am awesome in spite of the fat. So, I am not looking for a pat on my back or to be told I am pretty. Don’t need it–hubby covers that every day of my life and he means it–so I am good. Promise.
I never let my anger stop me, but it is real. It does stop me from writing sometimes, because it is so F’ing intense. I am a nice person most of the time, even when I am angry, but this makes me miserable. I just want to figure out a way to live–HEALTHY! I am working — I will never quit trying to be healthy. This is my life. If things don’t change pretty quick I am about to go back for the extreme treatments. I just cannot take this man in the middle that is my gut!
So that has been my bad writing deal. Working on me. Working on my attitude. Working on my commitments to myself. Its been tough.
See y’all later,