If you were of a mind to trace back my past few years you will see there has been a lot of Fhoe in my life. What is Fhoe? Well, I imagine it could be a lot things for a lot of people, for me it is my health or the lack of it as of this writing. I’m still me. I am NOT destroyed, but I seriously bruised and beaten. I am worn out from the struggle of the past few years. There have been many trials and I have lost most …
I am still fighting the good fight.
Yesterday, before the most recent battle with illness RE-attacked, I had a bunch of funny snarky–and yes angry–things I wanted to express. I am feeling a reawakening in my soul to fight back for what I want for my LIFE. Ironically, I am just too worn out today to even be angry–well at least for now. Even so, I wanted to go ahead and write, because I miss you all. I don’t know if you are even out there anymore, but I miss you just the same.
I miss you because you all were so uplifting and encouraging for the most part–there were a few strange creatures who wanted to rain on every parade, but for the most part, people on my blog and FB page were AMAZING. Empowering! It was amazing how you blog and FB buddies along with my in-the-flesh Ladies at Greystone YMCA kept me focused on working hard with your friendship. I really felt loved by some of you–beyond anything I could have ever imagined…
And … I let that go because of shame that my efforts to win were sabotaged by so many things. I let shame shun me and isolate me from my support system. I have lost contact with friends over my shame for the constant growth of my fleshly stature. My humiliation that I could fall again … all the way back to my 275 pound highest weight. Never in my wildest imaginations would I have fallen so far–while doing all I knew to stop it. I am still working with docs on it.
No matter how hard I fought, one setback or another created yet constant opportunity for a fitness decline and in turn weight gain.
I’m sick of being drab and whiny sounding. I got some rants in there once I get some strength …
Over the past few months I have started working on some amazing things with my family business that lights all my fires and made me realize I Must return to the my story … even if it isn’t the one I wanted. Yes, still my battle rages and I’ve lost more than I have won. If being honest … with myself … I have to let go of my pride, my failure, my past success and press forward with all the wonderful adventures I have left to experience. Fat be dammed. I’m going to live and I am not waiting UNTIL anything to pursue my dreams.
I might be fat, but I am gonna kick but and take names … so if you see the fat girl on the bike … be kind. If you see the fat girl eating alone at the restaurant … be kind. If you see the fat girl in the bathing suit … be kind. Because you just might catch me on a bad day and I may flay your flesh from your bones with my tongue … just a warning. Be wise
The Fhoe may sit, but I ain’t gonna wear it I am gonna make a new way!