I have been invisible though.
I have just been trying to exist to be … Trying to be there for my family at all the important things, but failing almost as much as succeeding at being a participant in my life. I have always been acutely aware that life is short and then you die. It has made me live in the here and now almost every day.
I tend to freak when I spend most of my day in bed. Which is where I have been for the better part of two years. I have just been so weak. I think I have a breakthrough in this arena …. I think … I hope … I pray that I have found the reason. Please let it be so. I want to live.
Back to the invisible part … When I get that angry about my life … the constant trials and the not getting anywhere at all … it is hard to write. Often, when I talk about things people think I am giving up, or quitting, or over dramatic. So … I tend to get quiet. I don’t deal well with the added pressure of people and their opinions when I am struggling so hard just to believe I can survive the day.
My body has been a complete and utter pain. Two of my doctors have been douches and the third has been very sick herself … so life has been really hard and super discouraging. Everything we tried has led to yet another problem.
It has been exhausting the IBS-D that I have been suffering with over the past FOUR years and a big part of what has lead to my weight gain of 100 pounds during that time–yes, I gained it all back–much to my horror. The IBS-D had me worn out and dragging like I was in mud up to my knees with weights on my arms. I have been sick more than I have been well. My diabetes medication was a big factor in my IBS-D being so debilitating.
Why did NONE of my Docs think to check this? Why did I not think to check this??? it was purely by accident that I found out what was causing my problems. To add insult to injury–the douche doc called in the wrong meds: I can’t take the generic form of this med, because it makes me poop like crazy. I was so sick I missed it for a MONTH and a half. For that Month, I couldn’t leave my home–because I might POOP myself–and yes that happened too.
I’ll tell you more later … for now … I have to run errands. This is a big deal that I can run an errand. I don’t have to stay by the toilet. 💩💩💩