No … I didn’t die …


Yes, the bike has been pulled out and dusted off. working up to real rides.

I have been invisible though.

I have just been trying to exist to be … Trying to be there for my family at all the important things, but failing almost as much as succeeding at being a participant in my life.  I have always been acutely aware that life is short and then you die.  It has made me live in the here and now almost every day.

I tend to freak when I spend most of my day in bed.  Which is where I have been for the better part of two years.  I have just been so weak.  I think I have a breakthrough in this arena …. I think … I hope … I pray that I have found the reason.  Please let it be so.  I want to live.

Back to the invisible part … When I get that angry about my life … the constant trials and the not getting anywhere at all … it is hard to write.  Often, when I talk about things people think I am giving up, or quitting, or over dramatic.  So … I tend to get quiet.  I don’t deal well with the added pressure of people and their opinions when I am struggling so hard just to believe I can survive the day.

My body has been a complete and utter pain.  Two of my doctors have been douches and the third has been very sick herself … so life has been really hard and super discouraging.  Everything we tried has led to yet another problem.

It has been exhausting the IBS-D that I have been suffering with over the past FOUR years and a big part of what has lead to my weight gain of 100 pounds during that time–yes, I gained it all back–much to my horror.  The IBS-D had me worn out and dragging like I was in mud up to my knees with weights on my arms.  I have been sick more than I have been well.  My diabetes medication was a big factor in my IBS-D being so debilitating.

Why did NONE of my Docs think to check this?  Why did I not think to check this???  it was purely by accident that I found out what was causing my problems.  To add insult to injury–the douche doc called in the wrong meds:  I can’t take the generic form of this med, because it makes me poop like crazy.  I was so sick I missed it for a MONTH and a half.  For that Month, I couldn’t leave my home–because I might POOP myself–and yes that happened too.

I’ll tell you more later … for now … I have to run errands. This is a big deal that I can run an errand.  I don’t have to stay by the toilet.  💩💩💩



3 thoughts on “No … I didn’t die …

  1. You’re pointed once again in the right direction. This isn’t new to you. Sorry for the poor experience, but welcome back. Look forward to seeing your forward progress again!!! You’re strong. You can do this!!!

  2. Some people are blessed with excellent health. Others not so much. I wish I could be more active. Getting ready to go somewhere takes a lot more planning to account for the ailing body. Praying for you. Enjoy your wonderful family. Better than medicine.
    Hugs and love. Nancy

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