No … I didn’t die …

Yes, the bike has been pulled out and dusted off. working up to real rides.

I have been invisible though.

I have just been trying to exist to be … Trying to be there for my family at all the important things, but failing almost as much as succeeding at being a participant in my life.  I have always been acutely aware that life is short and then you die.  It has made me live in the here and now almost every day.

I tend to freak when I spend most of my day in bed.  Which is where I have been for the better part of two years.  I have just been so weak.  I think I have a breakthrough in this arena …. I think … I hope … I pray that I have found the reason.  Please let it be so.  I want to live.

Back to the invisible part … When I get that angry about my life … the constant trials and the not getting anywhere at all … it is hard to write.  Often, when I talk about things people think I am giving up, or quitting, or over dramatic.  So … I tend to get quiet.  I don’t deal well with the added pressure of people and their opinions when I am struggling so hard just to believe I can survive the day.

My body has been a complete and utter pain.  Two of my doctors have been douches and the third has been very sick herself … so life has been really hard and super discouraging.  Everything we tried has led to yet another problem.

It has been exhausting the IBS-D that I have been suffering with over the past FOUR years and a big part of what has lead to my weight gain of 100 pounds during that time–yes, I gained it all back–much to my horror.  The IBS-D had me worn out and dragging like I was in mud up to my knees with weights on my arms.  I have been sick more than I have been well.  My diabetes medication was a big factor in my IBS-D being so debilitating.

Why did NONE of my Docs think to check this?  Why did I not think to check this???  it was purely by accident that I found out what was causing my problems.  To add insult to injury–the douche doc called in the wrong meds:  I can’t take the generic form of this med, because it makes me poop like crazy.  I was so sick I missed it for a MONTH and a half.  For that Month, I couldn’t leave my home–because I might POOP myself–and yes that happened too.

I’ll tell you more later … for now … I have to run errands. This is a big deal that I can run an errand.  I don’t have to stay by the toilet.  💩💩💩

🤪🤪

Shonnie