…Written by an Anonymous Guest Author. I found this post profoundly moving.
Everything happens for a reason. I think it does. I say this to my patients all day long, especially when they are trying to make sense of their chaos. I just say it because in that moment it makes sense. I mean it does make sense in a bull shit, warped, twisted way. At least it’s what I tell myself.
Apparently no one knows this secret, because I’m dying for someone to say it to me. People just don’t say it. They just stare at me blankly like I’m supposed to have answers. I don’t have any answers.
I haven’t written anything in a long time, not because I don’t want to, it’s just because I cannot. You see, if I write it down then I’m giving life to the monsters I worked hard to lull to sleep. They are going to wake and make chaos of the meticulous order I created in my world.
Actually, it’s not even in order, it’s my false perception, because if I concentrate on someone else’s chaos mine won’t be as pressing.
But I am wrong. So so so wrong. My monsters, they weren’t even asleep, they were simply quietly laying in the background waiting for the opportune moment to corner me.
Now, I’ve been cornered, and I’m afraid to move. It’s like over night my universe stoped moving, pulled on the emergency break, bounced around few times, put its gears in reverse, and started to screech it’s wheels. And I can’t fix it. My universe is going backwards and spinning out of control.
This happens to me every 5-6 years. Life just needs to remind me that I became too comfortable and it’s time to feel pressure.
I know that my universe can’t sustain itself on reverse mode for long, I know things will stabilize, but I don’t want to wake my monsters. If they awake I start to cry, and I don’t want to.
What am I babbling about? I don’t know. I do know that the man who contributed to my genetic make up, not even worthy of being addressed as father, is dying, he was given 2 weeks to live. And I’m going to see him, I don’t know why, but I know I’m going to cry, and that first drop of tear is going to open the floodgates and expose my precious monsters. I know that I’m very stressed with work, I know I’m trying to hold on to these proverbial floodgates with my teeth and things are slipping. I blame and focus on things that I can control, like being forced to move offices. I find the stupidest little detail and micro focus on that. It’s how I pretend to cope. But in reality I’m unraveling, like that ribbon that was rolled tight in order to contain it, I am that ribbon.
I feel that I simply need someone to say it’s ok. “Everything happens for a reason”. Maybe it does, I don’t know. But I do know that my universe needs an update and I hate change so much that I’m fighting it. I’m black and blue, I’m exhausted and broken. It’s like living in an apartment in the historic district with old cabinet doors. The place needs a fresh coat of paint, but that broken cabinet hinge gives the place such personality, that an upgrade is more than an inconvenience.
Because with an upgrade the monsters will actually open their eyes and maybe even evolve themselves, and no one wants that. Certainly not me.
Even just now, I spent a significant amount of time typing on my phone’s microscopic keypad pretending to reveal what’s eating me alive, but I said nothing. I just wasted your time and didn’t address what truly scares me the most.
It’s because I am scared. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of that it all and I don’t know how to feel.