If you have read any of my past posts you will know that I normally love exercise.
Exercise has always been my happy pill. I’ve had so many injuries over the past 3 years that exercise has gone the way of the dodo. Exercise is hard. Exercise is embarrassing–I make too many noises. I sound like I am about to die. Lack of exercise could also be contributing to my over all anger management issues.
The obesity doesn’t help either — I hate being seen. I hate struggling in the open to breathe as I carry my girth up and down hills. I still do it, but I am used to being strong and capable — not weak and wimpy.
Walking is a challenge in this heat — I dehydrate super fast –yummy meds. I have been attempting walking at DARK in lighted parking lots. I walk in the dark — so I don’t overheat, and it offers the added bonus it is at times when most people are not out. For my own vanity I like the dark. I hate being seen. I don’t care if people are encouraging me on or not–I hate being seen.
I want to be invisible.
I don’t do invisible well. I am a larger than life kind of person so by just being me I am noticed. So I hide in my room and avoid the world. Not good on any level. I will fix this. I have to. No one can live like this. It isn’t living for sure.
I haven’t walked this week outside of my house. I have chased grand babies around the house so that is activity–but not every thing I want–but being with them is living. I fall into bed for days at a time after playing–I don’t know how to be this weak person. I have so much I want to do.
I hate seeing my own face. I take photos to make myself be here in this moment and not completely disappear–because there is hope still struggling to believe I will kick this in the butt again and regain my life. I don’t mind getting old–I hate being fat.
I am still trying to get this FAT under control. I may be mad and sad, but I never stop trying even with all the failing.
See ya around …