Exercise


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Riding is still a challenge.  Lifting my fat legs over the seat is a challenge …

If you have read any of my past posts you will know that I normally love exercise.  

Exercise has always been my happy pill.  I’ve had so many injuries over the past 3 years that exercise has gone the way of the dodo. Exercise is hard. Exercise is embarrassing–I make too many noises. I sound like I am about to die. Lack of exercise could also be contributing to my over all anger management issues.

The obesity doesn’t help either — I hate being seen.  I hate struggling in the open to breathe as I carry my girth up and down hills.  I still do it, but I am used to being strong and capable — not weak and wimpy.

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Walking is a challenge in this heat — I dehydrate super fast –yummy meds. I have been attempting walking at DARK in lighted parking lots. I walk in the dark — so I don’t overheat, and it offers the added bonus it is at times when most people are not out. For my own vanity I like the dark.  I hate being seen. I don’t care if people are encouraging me on or not–I hate being seen.

I want to be invisible.

I don’t do invisible well. I am a larger than life kind of person so by just being me I am noticed. So I hide in my room and avoid the world. Not good on any level. I will fix this. I have to. No one can live like this. It isn’t living for sure.

I haven’t walked this week outside of my house. I have chased grand babies around the house so that is activity–but not every thing I want–but being with them is living. I fall into bed for days at a time after playing–I don’t know how to be this weak person. I have so much I want to do.

I hate seeing my own face. I take photos to make myself be here in this moment and not completely disappear–because there is hope still struggling to believe I will kick this in the butt again and regain my life. I don’t mind getting old–I hate being fat.

I am still trying to get this FAT under control. I may be mad and sad, but I never stop trying even with all the failing.

See ya around …

Shonnie

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3 thoughts on “Exercise

  1. Big hugs!!! Hang in there!!! So glad to “hear” from you again. Your honesty is refreshing. We are always in a state of change either toward or away from where we’d prefer to be. Sometimes, many times, it just sucks, especially when that change takes us away from our preferred goal. You are definitely not alone in the struggle!!

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