I know this storm is small for those of you in the northern climes, but down here in the deep south–we don’t do ICE. The TV news reported only things about Atlanta, but Birmingham had been brought to a complete stop by four inches of snow and about an inch of ice. The conditions for Birmingham and Atlanta were just perfect to create the total shutdown of our communities. It happened FAST. While the whole city was trying to get home and collect their children and families. It was bizarre. My youngest daughter got stranded in the ugly mess. Thankfully, she was only a mile from her house and was able to walk the distance in her light weight clothes (that froze on the way) bundled up with her pet Tigra Kitty to the safety of a friends house to keep warm.
My life has been the perfect storm for the past year and half.
So perfect a storm that I have found life hard to bear. There have been moments that I just wanted it all to end. Yes, I am talking about end as-in death. I have not written about these feelings because family reads this blog. Friends read this blog. Being honest would have scared them terribly–so I could only write when I was not in a dark place. I could not bare thinking of their pain–so I remained silent–except for Mike. He’s known the depth of my darkness. There has been: The weight gain. The body injuries. The med F ups that seriously strained my heart and made the depression worse. Our business–and all the probs that come with. The brain injured child and family. The Autistic child and starting college–new is always hard. The youngest daughter who’s had so many setbacks herself–she’s a fighter, but still it gets a mom down.
There have been positives that have happened. Grand babies, sunset walks, great time with friends, and family. These are the things that keep you holding on. These are the things I think on when things get dark. I cannot explain to you what it is like to live through TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and Autism … unless you have been there it is hard to fully comprehend the exhaustion. The two of them go at each other the TBI and AUSI. They don’t get what the other is about and both are jealous of the other. The TBI kiddo wants to please as much as the ASUI, but he just isn’t very easy to deal with. He is super aggressive when he feels like he is doing something wrong–which he tends to do a lot. He doesn’t do this with other people, just Mike and I. It puts a horrible strain on our relationship. As parents you want to help your child be all that he can be, but there times when the child/adult does not see what is good for them and sees you as the block to their dreams coming true. I cannot explain how very hurtful this whole boondoggle of emotions wreaks havoc on your soul.
I have avoided writing these things, as I have already discussed,–I don’t like showing this side. But this affects how a person deals with weight loss, eating, exercise, health, hope, determination … and really every aspect of life. I’ve had to drag my sorry-self out to workout. Not that I have wanted to workout. I went because I hate the bone crushing pain that overwhelms my body if I don’t. I can’t even feel sorry for myself and shirk on exercise. It stinks. But in a good way–I have friends and they always make me smile and laugh at my problems–that is GOLD! I have to eat right because my damn stomach kills me if I don’t. Imagine, if you will, me throwing a pity party and pigging out, then see me holding my stomach, groaning, and rolling in pain. This is not an exaggeration–it sucks that I can’t even fall into gluttony and have fun–I really think everyone should be able to do this if they want. If you are gonna be fat–you should at least enjoy the blasted journey.
So … I guess I will always be working on my health. My body won’t let me stop, even if I wanted too — and I don’t. I do have other reasons to push. I wanna be fit to play with the grands. The snow storm had us locked in the house. When the babies weren’t taking turns screaming–they were taking turns making the world bright.
I would like to tell you that I will write consistently as I have in the past, but where we are in our lives may take a while to get to a place of balance. It could be another year of hell while we help our kiddos get on with their lives. We have some wonderful-hopeful things in the works, but they will take a lot out of me. I will be hard pressed to write. I am going to try to share a recipe or a short picture post daily. It has been two weeks since I posted, because my life keeps blowing up. I have multiple wrecks, broken down cars, broken equipment, screwed up money flow–techno snafoo, and countless other horrific emergencies since the last time I posted two weeks ago. When I say a storm, I mean a STORM. It has been all I can do to breathe. I am hoping we can find the light at the end of the tunnel sooner rather than later, but it is looking like a long bumpy ride into the light. If you pray … please remember me and my family as we push ourselves through this next phase of our lives.
I’ve lost almost 30 pounds–last two weeks I have been mostly holding because the stress has been way to stiff for my body to release any fat stores. I just have to keep pressing forward. 😀
This guy right here is how I get through most of my tough days. We walk. We cry. We hope. We dream. We work. We play … all together. I hope to see you guys tomorrow … hopefully with just weight related stuff. 🙂